Best things come in threes: best friend( & partner) , dreams and memories !
Fasih was with us in March for 2 weeks. Then the airlines shut down as the world went in extreme lock down. He went on to stay with us for 11 weeks, in strict lockdown. It was such a blessing in disguise. Just Fasih, Ismail and myself…Cooking our fav family meals, iftars, cuddling cats, bringing new potted plants as he loved gardening, playing ludo, video games with Ismail, occaisional squash, and daily walks of all three of us across wilderness in Mississauga. We made long drives across Ontario every few days. He would stop at every thing simple or surreal like horses grazing in cold wearing jackets, geeze crossing the road or even a raccoon coming close to our car fearlessly to snap pictures. He enjoyed every bit as we drove alternately. He loved driving, so I let him drive, while I clicked pictures.
I am gathering courage to share this:
A few days ago, after several nights I slept without Clonazepam, and he was there in full form and spirits in the dream.
He was driving as we saw some beautiful fall trees in yellow and red. He told me,
“Begum you drive now. I want to enjoy the scenes.”
I hope he is now in a happy place now and watching upon us.
Everyday I wake up disoriented, shake my head to feel maybe all this was just a bad dream I am waking up to. But it only gets real and more real each new morning.
As we go on with morning coffee, shower, remote meetings with staff at Taj, lunch, phone calls, everything seems to be returning to normal, with crying spells getting less frequent, tears drying up, and I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
What is the point of getting ‘sabr’ when Fatima, Ismail and I have everything but Fasih.
I dont want to trivialize others grief.
My husband’s older sister Syeda-Kosar who was his friend, a fellow proffessional doctor too, and most of all a confidante, is extremely depressed and misses him dearly.
My brothers Hilmi, Subhi and Ammi who cheer me up on phone that “Look how much of a footrint of goodness Fasih has left behind. People dont achieve half as much till their 90s which he did till 59, and quietly left the scene.”, I know cry after putting the phone down.
Its not easy for them and many others either.
And worst of all, its not yet over. I shudder with chills in my spine to imagine, who are next in line to be taken away? From us or from any one else we may not know.
Please keep safe. This virus is an apathetic killer, ruthless life-wrecker. Be very very careful.