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On Being a Mom

With small kids especially with all of them wearing diapers, life used to be arduous. There was no night sleep, just naps as and when possible. And no dream of a hot cup of tea would even come true. Looked as if I was stuck in a time freeze that would never thaw.
No there weren’t half a dozen of them, just two kids but a lot wholesome two.

Any complaints to an otherwise cooperative hubby or a barely understanding ammi would invite lessons of being thankless and not valuing the prized gifts from God. Perhaps when you get things unasked you definitely undervalue them.

Yes they were a bundle of joy, but the joy one gets in reading a book or painting a silk scarf is worthwhile too. I missed these so dearly. The husband often remarked of me being a more difficult than the kids themselves. And yes for him I sure was a difficult ‘child’.

Many experienced friends with grown up kids, often remarked with authority that small kids were smaller problem, big kids bigger problem. I really dreaded, if this was a small problem what would be a ‘big’ problem.

I feared losing my passion for the ‘other’ interests when getting engrossed into being a full-time mom. It was then that in a TV episode of Dr Phil, they talked of moms having their own time. We desis have no ‘my time’ in a mom’s dictionary. But I decided to make it happen in my home.

Despite a lot of creased foreheads around in the neighborhood ( yes we desis are so good at peeping into what goes on in the house next door as compared to what’s happening right under our nose), I continued doggedly to have my time and my passion. If it wasn’t for a patient husband, and his firm nod for a yes, it certainly wouldn’t have been possible.

Fridays evening after coming back from work was ‘my time’ when I had the compulsive obsession to paint. And their Dad adorned the role of a single parent for those 8 hours or so trying his best to prove himself ‘a better mom‘. The kids too knew it was their Dad-only quality time. I have no idea what all they did, so long as they let me have my heavenly-time letting me riot with flowy colorful paints on silk scarves.

The yelling at kids is so a synonymous with a mom, and I too did it mindlessly, until there came the Super Nanny TV serial and it was like a ‘revelation’ of how easy it is to raise kids if you become their friend and talk to them on a one to one level instead of being their commander-in chief. I decided to give it a chance.
My world and my kids actually changed once I began talking instead of yelling at their mistakes. They became a lot more receptive and ‘manipulating’ them to behave the way we parents want them to was also quite possible now—though not always.

Being friends with kids comes with a package. Yes they share with you ‘some’ of what’s going on in their life, but then they make you a butt of their jokes too. My kids leave no opportunity to be critical or mock at my follies. Perhaps if one realizes, kids being whole heartedly friendly is far more comforting than them being half heartedly respectful.

Attending a workshop by a child psychologist some years ago on Positive Parenting to teach parents how to inculcate survival skills in the kids, again made motherhood a lot more fun than a burden.

Again, as desi parents we “love being all protective, subconsciously trying to not let them grow up to be independent from us.” remarked the lecturer. He couldn’t have been more insistent on upholding a ‘trusting’ relationship, giving them space to fend for themselves, instead of ‘sheltering’ them from the ills of the evil world both inside and outside the home.

Cleaning rooms for the kids, making breakfast for them in the morning, following their progress with teachers in the high school, dropping-picking to and from school, was in no way a symbol of being a ‘caring’ parent in the eyes the psychologist.

His words came like a hammer on one’s head. Like all moms I too had dreamt of being an embodiment of care and sacrifice. One can be a good mom and yet not do their chores. Wow! That really makes motherhood so very easy. You can have the cake and eat it too.

First thing he told was to stop making a breakfast for the kids if they were in their teens or beyond.

Weird and a really tough proposition especially to see them struggling in the kitchen while the mom looked the other way. My heart missed several beats each morning. First week was a disaster. My kids went to school without any grain gone down their throat. The guilt of being an evil mom hit me hard.

As if his words were a gospel. The kids were a changed species next week, managing their breakfast like a perfect housewife. Again the mom in me felt hurt—Oh my God, they don’t need me any more.

Next on the list was to make my son’s room a no entry zone for me–no cleaning, no organizing for him.
A constant tug of war in the head between a helpful and a couldn’t care less mom was hard to banish. Days, weeks passed. Nothing moved from its place in my son’s room. The socks rolled up in the corner stayed still. The scattered books and papers maintained their position. But yes the cupboard got messier and the dust layer on the bookshelf got thicker. The room even started to have a peculiar smell—and I joked with him of living in a ‘sty’.
I called the psychologist to tell him I had no hope but he with utmost patience told me—“leave it as it is.”
I did but with a heavy heart. The mom in me was constantly cursing for having listened to this evil psychologist who knew nothing about boys.
Then came a blessed moment. And my son actually decided to make his room. How he did was beyond imagination. And ever since I never had to search for his lost sock or a book.

As for dropping the kids to school or following their progress in High School isn’t encouraged by the school itself in Canada and the kids are trained to manage their issues themselves, with the assistance of the counselors on site. Whether it is -30 degrees freezing winter or hot sweltering summer, the kids find their own way to school–by public bus or at times by walking.

I see my kids going out of my hands and becoming more independent with the each passing day.
How much of a contradiction we moms are—when the kids are dependent on us, we crave for independence and when they spread their wings to be independent we clamor for them to be in our control.

Learning the art to communicate with the kids as equal individuals, giving them space and letting them learn to be the masters of their world isn’t all that an easy task for any mom, but I guess it is in their best interest. The earlier we realize, the better it is for both the mom as well as the kids.

So befitting is Kahlil Jibran’s poetry in this context:

On Children
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

And yes, to those who vehemently remarked that bigger children are a bigger problem, I beg to disagree. I think they are a bigger pleasure, provided we learn to accept them as equal friends.

I am glad one day my kids may not need me anymore, but hopefully they’ll still love me.

Category:

General, Personal, Social Issues

I Salute You Japan

I see
It’s hunger
It’s cold
It’s homelessness
It’s radiation

I feel
It’s tough
It’s rough
It’s uncertain
It’s Hell

I watch
You’re calm
You’re brave
You’re patient
You’re resilient

I know
You’ll survive
You’ll overcome
You’ll beat it
You’ll thrive

Yes I know,
You’ll thrive
Once again.
Yes you will.

I salute the mothers, the children, the old and the young men of Japan.
The whole world and I stand with you in this hour of despair.
I wish we learn the patience and perseverance from you, my friends.

Tears rolled down when I heard say a BBC correspondent from Japan:

“When the food is distributed they patiently wait. All they get is half a bowl of rice. Nobody complains. Incredible calm. This is First World Japan.”

Copy-Pasting this post from Facebook:

10 things to learn from Japan

by Ahang Rabbani on Sunday, March 27, 2011 at 6:27am

1. THE CALM Not a single visual of chest-beating or wild grief. Sorrow itself has been elevated.

2. THE DIGNITY Disciplined queues for water and groceries. Not a rough word or a crude gesture.

3. THE ABILITY The incredible architects, for instance. Buildings swayed but didn’t fall.

4. THE GRACE People bought only what they needed for the present, so everybody could get something.

5. THE ORDER No looting in shops. No honking and no overtaking on the roads. Just understanding.

6. THE SACRIFICE Fifty workers stayed back to pump sea water in the N-reactors. How will they ever be repaid?

7. THE TENDERNESS Restaurants cut prices. An unguarded ATM is left alone. The strong cared for the weak.

8. THE TRAINING The old and the children, everyone knew exactly what to do. And they did just that.

9. THE MEDIA They showed magnificent restraint in the bulletins.No silly report Only calm reportage.

10. THE CONSCIENCE When the power went off in a store, people put things back on the shelves and left quietly

Category:

Art, General, International, Japan, MY POETRY, Peace, Social Issues

Learning Another Lesson through Japan

I woke up in the morning of Friday (March 11, 2011) to be greeted with the devastating news. The pictures of the fifth largest earth quake and tsunami in Japan were all over the media. Houses swept like match boxes, cars and trucks floating like cardboard. Life and property was reduced to a rubble. University, schools, homes whatever came in the way of the angry waves, were engulfed. The two and a half ruthless minutes, as if, lasted forever.

And then news that “ Japan asks for international help from the international community.”
This is a country which was the most prepared for tsunamis owing to its location on the fault lines and has been bearing innumerable jolts of earthquakes and tsunamis, off and on.

More disturbing are the daily news since Friday of one reactor or the other bursting and causing spillage of radiations to the outside world.

Japan is a country that had been through the worst calamity that world can fathom—of nuclear bombing at Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
After the incident, Japan had decided to stay away from nuclear or conventional weapons. It’s post war constitution forbid it to have offensive military forces and the three Non Nuclear Principles which asked for no production, possession or introduction of nuclear weapons. The constitution also vowed to have ‘ land, sea and air forces as well as other war potential will never to be maintained”.

Although Japan is said to be just a ‘screw drivers’ turn” away from developing a nuclear bomb, but it chose to harness the immense power of nuclear energy only for peaceful purposes.

Probably through Japan, the world learned a practical lesson 65 years ago that aggression and war leaves a country with an army of cripples and an army of mourners.

If the other nations failed to follow it is another matter. But Japan did.

Is it not tragic that today a technological giant that was known for its technological might and an advocate against war and nuclear weapons is now at war with the nature and again battling to save yet another generation of Japanese from the over dose of radiations.

The gushing waves took just a couple of minutes to wash away our delusions that technological advancement had made the mankind a master of this world.

Ironically tsunami itself is a Japanese word derived from two words meaning ‘harbour’ and ‘wave’.

Yes Mother Earth has shown its fury once again. But is it just a rage or is there a reason for her to be so furious?

I am no expert to judge the real answer, but my learning from the various debates on climate change makes me wonder if we human are the real culprits?

Climatologists and the vocal advocates of climate change, have been at logger heads with those who consider that climate change is a hype.

The scientists speculate that “Quakes, volcanic eruptions, giant landslides and tsunamis may become more frequent as global warming changes the earth’s crust,”

In a scientific conference on Climate change held in London in September 2009, Professor Bill McGuire of University College London had remarked : “Climate change doesn’t just affect the atmosphere and the oceans but the earth’s crust as well. The whole earth is an interactive system. In the political community people are almost completely unaware of any geological aspects to climate change.”
They fear that there is strong evidence piling up on the hypothesis that ‘the world could be in for shocks at a vast scale’.

Al Gore a vocal advocate of climate change and a Nobel Laureates has remarked:
“Global warming is by far the most serious manifestation of the collision—and Mother Nature is making the evidence ever more obvious.”

He also claims :
“The debate is over! There’s no longer any debate in the scientific community about this ( climate change). But the political systems around the world have held this at arm’s length because it’s an inconvenient truth.”

And the irony of all ironies is that now it is this natural disaster which is turning into another nuclear disaster for Japan. With the fourth nuclear reactor now reported to have had a blast barely an hour ago. There is dangerously high level of radiations in the surrounding area and feared to reach Tokyo in next 10 hours.

I wonder if after the massive earth quakes in Kashmir, then Haiti, the two recent tsunamis and the ever increasing hurricanes the world over, and the accompanying nuclear radiation spillage, if we need more evidence from the scientific community that it is us the mankind, which has abused the Mother Earth so much that it is turning out its fury back on us.

Although it is time to grieve for the victims and the sufferers of this devastating natural and nuclear calamity, it is also an occasion to reflect on why is the Mother Earth not only turning it’s fury back on us but also more often and with more severity than ever before.

Probably once we come out of this ‘shock’, the world will again realize that Japan again teaches us yet another lesson—this time lesson of “the consequences of abusing the Mother Earth for our greed”.

Sadly enough, the whole world abuses her but this time Japan has to bear it. If this ‘environmental abuse’ goes unabated, only the Mother Earth knows who’s next to face her fury?

Category:

Health, International, Social Issues

Art of Well Being by Dr Drauzio Varello

...Speak your feelings.

Emotions and feelings that are hidden, repressed, end in illnesses as: gastritis, ulcer, lumbar pains, spinal. With time, the repression of the feelings degenerates to the cancer. Then, we go to a confidante, to share our intimacy, ours “secret”, our errors! The dialogue, the speech, the word, is a powerful remedy and an excellent therapy!

...Make Decisions.

The undecided person remains in doubt, in anxiety, in anguish. Indecision accumulates problems, worries and aggressions. Human history is made of decisions. To decide is precisely to know to renounce, to know to lose advantages and values to win others. The undecided people are victims of gastric ailments, nervous pains and problems of the skin.

…Find Solutions.

Negative people do not find solutions and they enlarge problems. They prefer lamentation, gossip, pessimism. It is better to light a match that to regret the darkness. A bee is small, but produces one of the sweetest things that exist. We are what we think. The negative thought generates negative energy that is transformed into illness.

…Don’t Live By Appearances.

Who hides reality, pretends , poses and always wants to give the impression of being well. He wants to be seen as perfect, easy-going, etc. but is accumulating tons of weight. A bronze statue with feet of clay. There is nothing worse for the health than to live on appearances and facades. These are people with a lot of varnish and little root. Their destiny is the pharmacy, the hospital and pain.

…Accept.

The refusal of acceptance and the absence of self-esteem, make us alienate ourselves. Being at one with ourselves is the core of a healthy life. They who do not accept this, become envious, jealous, imitators, ultra-competitive, destructive. Be accepted, accept that you are accepted, accept the criticisms. It is wisdom, good sense and therapy.

...Trust.

Who does not trust, does not communicate, is not opened, is not related, does not create deep and stable relations, does not know to do true friendships. Without confidence, there is not relationship. Distrust is a lack of faith in you and in faith itself.
.

…Do Not Live Life Sad.

Good humor. Laughter. Rest. Happiness. These replenish health and bring long life. The happy person has the gift to improve the environment wherever they live. “Good humor saves us from the hands of the doctor”. Happiness is health and therapy.

Category:

Health, Social Issues

MYTHS AND FACTS ON SEXUAL ABUSE

Believe that Knowledge is Empowerment.

TABEER and ZMQ , we believe in dealing with the issues at their source and attempting to ‘nip it in the bud’ before it gets too late.

As part of our vision to see a safe world for all and the mission is to spread awareness about various health related issues.

With the ‘EmpowerSHE’ initiative– a collaboration between TABEER and ZMQ .Inc , we believe in ‘dreaming’ of a safe world for our young girls and kids.

Our mission: Unveiling the veil of ignorance.”
.
On the occasion of the 100th Anniversary of the International Women‘s Day 2011 we begin with the awareness against the Sexual Abuse..

There are many myths about sexual abuse and the perpetrators take advantage of these myths in pursuing their beastly acts. Many of these myths and realities one may not find documented in the literature but one learns through a number of years of experience in the field.( Though most of the facts presented are evidence based).

And here they are:

MYTH: Is due to inappropriate dressing/flirting/ seductive talking/going out with friends/drinking/smoking/drugs are the main cause of sexual abuse among adolescents.

FACT: Sexual abuse can NEVER EVER be justified. No matter what. PERIOD.

MYTH: Good and protective parenting can protect the children from abuse.

FACT: Every parent is a well meaning parent and wants to shelter his/her kid to the maximum But the perpetrators are excellent manipulators and make the parents believe that the kids are safe in their care. The only near ‘sure’ way to protect the child from abuse after he/she has attained reasonable understanding is to empower them with the knowledge about Sexual abuse and that they should not be afraid to speak up if anything happens or was about to happen.
They should be told to realise the difference between the ‘good touch’ and the ‘bad touch’ and should believe in themselves even if they get bad vibes from the closest of relatives or acquaintances.
They should be taught how to remove themselves from the vulnerable situation and to contact parents or whoever they trust the most, as soon as possible

For the parents: They should calmly listen to their children’s complaints and believe in them. The guilt of not being an effective parent often leads them to deny if such a thing to ever happens.

MYTH: Most abusers are strangers:

FACT: On the contrary most abusers are people who the parents or they know and trust. It is important to teach your child of the difference between an acceptable and an unacceptable touch be it anyone unknown or known. In simple words to specify the ‘unacceptable bad touch zone is anything that would be covered by a bathing suit and face.
The kids should be told to report if they get any weird vibes from anyone known or unknown and be it touch, talk , look or even the body language of the person. And for the parents they should listen to the child and believe the child. The perpetrator could very well be an uncle, cousin, friend or even a first of kin (hard to digest but it is a FACT). But, children need to know that we can’t always trust people that we think we can. They need to know how grown-ups can manipulate children.

MYTH: Sexual abuse is limited to intercourse.

FACT: No, even fondling, touching, rubbing, French kissing, mouth kissing, lewd talk, pornography exposure, exhibitionism , or voyeurism are all acts of sexual abuse and can be extremely damaging to the psyche of the person going through it.

MYTH: Children or girls make up stories of make belief about sexual abuse:

FACT: True, kids of certain age do indulge in make belief. But the research has proven that children DONOT ever make up stories about sexual abuse. They should be believed in whatever they are complaining about. Many times young kids say about the abuse but then retract. This is mainly either due to the fear from the perpetrators or fear of losing the loved or due to the sudden panicky reactions they receive from their parents or loved ones.

MYTH: Sexual abuse is always violent.

FACT: Sexual abuse is a violent crime. But it is not always that it requires the use of force or threatening or weapons. If the perpetrator is a known person, manipulation and seduction could be the modes used for submission of the victim. The child or any person for that matter may be lured with treats or rewards for by complying to the demand. And many a times in dysfunctional families, sexual abuse may be the only form of touch and love that the child gets.
Incest( sexual abuse by close relatives) can involve the subtle seduction of a child, through what amounts to brainwashing.
Some perpetrators get the sexual gratification by passing inappropriate sexual comments or exhibitionism or making the victim view pornography.

MYTHS: Children can stop abuse by just saying no or telling another adults

FACT: They do often pick a child or a person who appears more vulnerable. This child is less likely to be assertive and more easily deceived. Often the abuse escalates over a period of time. The perpetrator tricks the child. The perpetrator also may threaten the child with physical harm, family abandonment, abuse of a sibling or belief that they are bad and he/she would not be touching them unless they had not asked for it. Teach children to say no and keep telling unless the adult listens.
Perpetrators are powerful and they generally do not take a NO easily unless it is a firm and a repeated no.
Don’t be angry at the child for not having said NO. Focus anger at the perpetrator, not the victim. Sometimes the child tells a parent and is not believed, or the parent confronts the abuser and believes the abuser when told “the child is lying, it was nothing, I won’t do it again.”
Parents should always take action to remove the child from the abuser.

MYTH: You can spot an abuser by how he or she looks. They may look bizarre or mean.

FACT: Unfortunately, there is no tell-tale mark of abusers. they come from all professions and have a vast array of different appearances. They could be a friend, uncle, neighbour, relative, religious preacher, even a teacher, and even a sibling or a parent. (A fact very hard to digest but is very true).
That’s why it’s important that children and teens know that it’s not just strangers that may hurt . At times the children, young girls or even anyone can get ‘weird vibes’ about a person and feel uncomfortable. One should believe one’s inner judgement and remove oneself from such situation or people.

MYTH : Incest( especially the sexual abuse by the parent) occurs when he is not satisfied by his wife?

FACT: Incest –Oh dear it is very hard to even think about it what to talk of discussing it. Incest is a universal taboo, but it exists in nearly all societies. And it is very much existent in our society too.
The most commonly reported by the survivors is the Father-daughter and has nothing to do with his sexual life. It is more of an issue of power as the perpetrators have a history of psychological problems and emotional deprivation. Often the mother is aware but feels powerless and at times colludes for reasons for family or personal reasons–fear of being abandoned by the husband or for daughter’s reputation.
Abuse between siblings should also not be overlooked.

MYTH: Only men are abusers and only women are the victims:

FACT: True, in 90% of cases the perpetrators are men and the victim a woman, but that isn’t always. Young chubby boys are a target of the abusers and especially in closed societies where the access to any form of interaction with the women is limited. The perpetrators may not necessarily be gay.
Women too can be perpetrators though such number is very tiny.

MYTH: It could never happen to me.

FACT: Oh yes it very well could. I could be a man, a woman, a child, of any sexual orientation, young, middle aged, old, a disabled, poor, rich, outgoing, reserved, a hijabi, a moderate.
This is a protective shield we all wear out of fear and denial.
But the fact is anyone including you and me can be assaulted or abused , no matter what. And if some one out there is really out to get you, they can. And it doesn’t matter if the perpetrator is a stranger or a known.
There are no 100% guarantees.
The best is to reduce minimise the risk levels by safe habits example– not allowing anyone you feel awkward with to be alone with you, never let any one known or unknown inside the house if you are alone and uncomfortable with ( especially young girls), Not leaving your young kids, infants and toddlers out of your sight in the care of others especially when they are alone with no other adults around, keeping your doors properly locked, not going out alone at night.

But MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL: trust your gut and stay away from those who make you feel awkward, creepy or unsafe with. USE YOUR HEAD and KEEP YOUR EARS OPEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE.

The world is certainly beautiful, but it is evil too.

Kindly click this link to play a Quiz online to check your understanding of facts on Sexual Abuse:

http://www.metrac.org/game.html

The Quiz was developed for METRAC http://www.metrac.org/ by ZMQ.Inc http://www.zmqsoft.com/