Open up your mind and your potential reaches infinity…

Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

Learning to ‘Agree to Disagree’


Honest disagreement is often a good sign of progress.(~Gandhi)

I bet Gandhi said this with me in his mind.

I have yet to find a person with whom I have a total agreement on all issues. No one ever does. The probability of such a person existing may be theoretically possible (though extremely miniscule) but practically, it is IMPOSSIBLE.

I have a family with Hubs and two kids. And an extended family with sibs, parents and in-laws. And then a huge set of real and virtual friends. We all seem to be disagreeing with each other, more than agreeing, on most of the issues.

Many a times I stand alone in disagreement with almost everyone else on the other side.
So what?

Diametrically varying views lead to differences. Differences beget disagreements. Disagreements lead to debates. Debates stretch to hot discussions. Discussions at times lead to dissensions. Dissensions lead to verbal dogfights. Dogfights end up in a drain of energy. Drain of energy for sure.

Gosh! Despite all this, there is a great thrill in differing—agreeing on everything itsy bitsy, tiny miny would be so boring.

Calling other’s opinion ‘wrong’, ‘ignorance’ , ‘denial’, ‘silly’ could be part of humor but if hurled seriously as allegations is just bigotry at its best.

One learns more from the differences than from agreements.( Reference: Gandhi’s above quote!).

What is important is to give due respect and credibility to other’s opinions too. And the debate should be for putting one’s point across instead of the attempt to make others agree to one’s perspective. To be able to get other’s perspective without necessarily agreeing to it is an art one learns through studying ‘logic’.

When certain issues or topics hold a passionate place in one’s heart and mind, it gets even more difficult to maintain ‘sanity’ in discussion. Not being afraid of registering one’s opinion -no matter how ‘odd’ it appears -to the general public around, definitely breeds doubts of ‘cynicism’, ‘eccentricity’ in other’s minds.

But to accept other person’s insanity as normal is an art too.

I have seen this art beautifully put in practice by my exceptionally tolerant husband. The concept of giving a ‘space’ to the other person and to agree to disagree– are two lessons I learned from him. And in fact, keep forgetting and keep relearning them, even till date.

I have tremendous respect for him and for almost everyone else who still consider me ‘worthy’ of a place in their friends list, despite my insane discussions on disagreements.

So notorious are my disagreements that hubs often jokes about my ‘sanity’ if I agree to anything wholeheartedly.

Tell you a secret, even I don’t feel ‘myself ‘ if I get to agree with others viewpoint easily.

Disagreements rock!

Nature


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Lofty mountains, reaching the sky
Magnanimous allure,gives a sigh!
Angry geysers vent out steam
Gayful falls dive into the streams

Deep woods, a splendid green
Hauntingly quiet, utterly serene
Butterflies resting in floral laps
Insects whining in Venus fly-traps

Bountiful waves washing ashore
Naughty, playful, screaming a roar
Kissing the sands with frothy jabs
Carrying along snails and crabs.

Gem Parade…


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Gemstones are mysterious things: naturally formed crystalline, geometric bodies with interesting optical properties. Each crystal has a different structure and composition giving it a unique hue and aura.
They are one of the nature’s most wonderful gifts to us.

Mankind associates different gemstones with significance related to the months of birth. We have even created superstitions associated with these beautiful creations of nature.

Interestingly they do not hold any commercial  fiscal value as the precious metals like Gold, Silver and Platinum. Once a friend of mine who is very fond of jewelery including gold and gemstones had a robbery in her house. The robber broke into the safe and picked only the gold jewelry, cash and even savings certificates while the gemstones were discretely left behind. She was overjoyed she felt it would have been inconsolable if her exotic painstakingly collected gemstones were stolen. 🙂

Here are the birthstones and their symbolic meanings, for fun sake:

Month — Birthstone– Symbolise
January —garnet— Passion & devotion
February– amethyst— Clarity of thought,
March— aquamarine —courage
April —–diamond—— amplify the thoughts
May—— emerald ——fertility & dreams
June-pearl/moonstone—inspiration& receptivity
July—- ruby —heart & love
August peri-dot —prosperity
September– sapphire —peace & happiness,
October– opal/tourmaline- passion &spontaneity
November- topaz/citrine -confidence & strength
December —turquoise/blue topaz— success

A Veil in the Eyes of Men


As the conservatives and the liberals stay engrossed(for their own reasons) with the banning of Veil in France, I sent in a message to some select non Muslim guys (as they would be more objective) in my friends list to inquire :

What do you think when you see a veiled woman?

( I kept the question open–they could think of the Islamic veil or the Indian veil–it was left to their imagination).

The answers I got in almost 4 hours were fascinating (though qiuite expected). I had heard my own hubby and brothers talk on those lines on occasions…

A veil…

Replies almost instant:

…makes her a mystery that needs to be solved.

…tempts me to find out what lies behind it.

…feels an uncomfortable itch to lift it.

…turns her instantly into a forbidden fruit.

Within 4 hours :

…makes my eyes acquire an X ray wavelength to pierce through the barrier.

…makes all my five senses alert.

…highlights the deep, dark, beautiful eyes and wants to know what else?

…makes her a magnet and me an iron file.

…makes her more sought after.

…makes her look ugly.

…makes my mind join the dots that the eyes could see behind the black screen and make a complete picture.

…makes me give them a second and a third look.

…makes me feel sorry for them.

Two of my friends replied much later”

…There is nothing to see and think about a veiled woman.

…I dont judge her. Its entirely her choice and her culture which needs to be respected.

Looking at the earlier posts, makes me scratch my head: “Is this for which one is told to wear a veil ?”
The following words came about…

A Veil

A Worthless cover
Envelopes me
An illusion
‘Safeguard’.

Exposed, I am
Screaming ‘mystery’
Pitched out there
As tempting
As a Forbidden fruit

A meaningless veil
Feeble and frail,
Nothing it sheilds
But takes off from me,
Who really am I.


Context: The ‘hot’ discussion on Veil ban in France is currently on…

Men Are Like…


This is the net summary of the conversation I had with a great school friend living thousands of miles away. He began with the pun on women and then another lady friend joined the conference call and it ended up with pun on men as usual…..

Men are like…

… Blenders.
You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

… Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually are a cause of your migraine.

… Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and give you insomnia.

... Commercials.
You can’t believe a word they say.

… Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

… Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

… Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.

… Curling Irons.
They’re always hot with rage and trying to straighten your expenditure while shopping.

… Government Bonds.
They take way too long to mature.

… Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

… Lava Lamps.
Good to look at, but not all that bright.

… Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

… Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

… Popcorn.
They are hollow in the core with swollen ego all around.

… Weather.
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.

Great Advice to Pass on to Your Daughters and other Single women

1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.

5. Go for men of any age. Age doesn’t matter- they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal…

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.

How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.

What’s the best way to kill a man?
Put a pretty blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

And the best ones…..

Why do little boys whine?
Because they are practicing to be men.

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?
They already have boyfriends.</ 😀 😀 😀


(P.S.This is not to offend anyone, please. This is just for light humour, not to be taken seriously. Some of my best friends are men–including my husband and son…).

Coutesy: http://www.jokesaboutmen.net/men-joke_six.html

Dissecting Empathy



Empathy:
1903, translation of Ger. Einfühlung (from ein “in” + Fühlung “feeling”), coined 1858 by Ger. philosopher Rudolf Lotze (1817-81)from Gk. empatheia “passion,” from en- “in” + pathos “feeling

Definitons
“ A complex form of psychological inference in which observation, memory, knowledge, and reasoning are combined to yield insights into the thoughts and feelings of others.”

Saying it simply:
The ability to put oneself into the mental shoes of another person to understand his/her emotions and feelings.~ Alvin Goldman.

What’s the difference?
Sympathy: Oh! I’m so sorry. I wish it never happened.
Emotional Contagion: Oh! Your pain makes me cry too.
Pity: Poor you. You really need to be helped.
EMPATHY: I know exactly how it feels to be in this situation.
Apathy: Who cares? Or just ignore quietly on what happened.

Development of Empathy:

-Feelings of empathy begin normally at the age of 2. Common for toddlers to comfort each other in distress—by hugging, smooching or even by words.
-By the ages of 7 and 12 appear to be naturally inclined to feel empathy for others in pain(.researchers at the University of Chicago who used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI),
-There are three stages of Empathetic Maturity (Olsen, 2001)
Stage 1: Primitive pattern as in toddlers. Not in Adults.
Stage 2: The rationale that empathetic behaviousr is valid for everyone.
Stage 3:Mutuality occurs prior to any judgement about the person’s behaviour.

Why is it that even when empathy is a natural instinct some of us fail to act with empathy?
The extent of empathy varies.
Cognitive empathy: Simply knowing how others feel and what they are going through.
Emotional Empathy:When you actually feel physically within you what others must be feeling as if it was contagious.
Compassionate empathy: The feeling that not only makes us feel their pain but spontaneously moves us to help if need be

Unfortunately most of us are limited to cognitive empathy which 
lacks
 motivational
strength
 and
 tends 
to
 be 
highly 
selective, which in practical terms amounts to apathy in general.

Is empathy exclusively a ‘human trait?

No! All primates, even rodents and dolphis have been studied to have empathy.

Why need empathy
Empathy is the key element in humans to embrace the The Golden Rule (One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself ).
Empathy is the foundation of all Human Rights and the Unity of all mankind..

How to help oneself become more empathetic?
Batson and colleagues investigated the affective consequences of different perspective-taking instructions when participants listened to a story about Katie Banks, a young college student struggling with her life after the death of her parents.This study demonstrated that different instructions had distinct effects on how participants perceived the target’s situation. Notably, participants imagining themselves to be in Katie’s place showed stronger signs of discomfort and personal distress than participants focusing on the target’s responses and feelings (imagine other), or as participants instructed to take on an objective, detached point of view.
Conclusion: Imagine yourself in the situation to feel more motivated and get proactive.

Quote:
The good enough mother, owing to her deep empathy with her infant, reflects in her face his feelings; this is why he sees himself in her face as if in a mirror and finds himself as he sees himself in her. The not good enough mother fails to reflect the infant’s feelings in her face because she is too preoccupied with her own concerns, such as her worries over whether she is doing right by her child, her anxiety that she might fail him.

by,

Bruno Bettelheim (20th century), Austrian-U.S. child psychologist. A Good Enough Parent, ch. 1 (1987).


Why should I be Behind the Veil?


I look at myself and feel so depressed,
For it isn’t Divine Law that got me so dressed.

But the psyche of men who like me oppressed,
And love to see my potential confined and repressed.

What’s so offending and outrageous about my face?
That mandates it to cover and hide all its grace.

I doubt it is to seek Allah’s goodwill and pleasure,
It’s him thinking that I am his personal treasure.

They say for men and women, equality shall prevail
Then why, he sails free, while I hide behind the veil?

Is it the hiding that makes me so safe and secure?
True safety comes from my inner strength, for sure.

It isn’t my face that makes me unsafe and assailable
But his mindset, that as an object, I am available.

It isn’t bound on me to hide behind black curtain,
It’s his attitude, that needs a change, for certain.

No, it’s not me who needs a cover to stay faceless,
But his ego and chauvinism, that truly need a redress.

Note:The most authentic ruling according to the majority of Islamic scholars is that face veil( niqaab) is not necessary and, unlike the head cover( hijab), there is no sin if it is not worn.
Al Azhar University, Egypt’s highest Muslim authority, Sheikh Mohamed Tantawi, has said :

“The niqab is a tradition, it has no connection with religion.”

Khoobsurat


Gehri hain woh aankhein
Dukhi ke dil mein jo jhankein

Meethi hai woh muskaan
Hamdardi ki bane jo pehchaan

Sureeli hain woh baatein
Ghareeb ki fikr ko jo battein

Haseen hain woh haath
Musibat mein jo dein door tak saath

Khush shakl hai woh chehra
Adl-o-insaaf ka dost ho jo gehra.

Bemisaal hain woh ehsaas
Zaalim ke dushman hon jo khaas.

Khoobsurat hai woh insaan
Insaaniyat ho jis ka eemaan.

Oopri rang roop bemaani hai
Husn e sulook ka na koi saani hai.

I am that Hand…


I am the hand of a patriot that lifts for allegiance to its beloved homelands.
I am the hand of a faithful that spreads for prayer for a victory for its team.
I am the hand of Sachin that will bat with a class to complete its 100th century.
I am the hand of Dhoni that will lose no chance of dismissal behind the wicket
I am the hand of Zaheer whose reverse swing shall get wickets crashing down.
I am the hand of Yuvii whose flawless efficiency in the field spares no runouts.
I am the hand of the billion fans who shall cheer their team to a great victory
I am the hand of the 16 souls who shall so deservingly lift the World Cup 2011.
I am the hand that will wipe tears of joy for being granted the moment of success.
I am the hand that shall rise to thank for being blessed with great compatriots.
Also:
I am the hand that will cheer the opponent team when they’ll play good game.
I am the hand that goes ahead to shake other hand no matter who it belongs.
I am the hand that joins with other hands to make a human chain for peace.
I am the hand that holds the hands which strive to make this world a better place.

Let’s Make Indo-Pak Peace a Lasting Reality


It was indeed extremely touching to see the reaction of every one on my blog ‘ How can a Mom and a Friend Rejoice…’.

Beena Sarwar tweeted the link and posted it in a couple of fora and some friends cross posted it on their Home page. So also, the beautiful FB page with an even more beautiful spirit ‘Together We can Win’ where I shared it, responded  in return with appreciation for the post. Touching comments mostly by youngsters, who are either my friends or my kids’ friends made me more emotional than anything I have ever experienced. For me it was a victory for Peace between my two homelands–INDIA and  PAKISTAN.

It is not just PM Manmohan Singh or PM Gilani, who think they are the custodians of peace between their two countries.

With such beautiful hearted people and loving kids that I have come across in my personal life, one can imagine how many such loving hearts must be throbbing in the chests of millions of people on both sides of the border, who aspire for peace and prosperity for themselves as well as for their neighbours.

All these millions of hearts in the subcontinent are in fact the real ambassadors of peace in their own right. Together they could be a Peace force large enough to defeat any hate loving agencies, extremists or other vested interests who leave no stone unturned to sow hatred.

As a mother I find myself a tiny speck in front of the great sacrifices hundreds of mothers have made in this subcontinent for peace.

It is hard to forget a great mother Vidyawati who sacrificed her young son with dignity and courage. Her son, no other than Shaheed Bhagat Singh, kissed the gallows on December 19, 1927 along with two other brave sons, of equally brave mothers. Their only fault was that they loved their people and aspired for them better lives.

This great mother lived with the pleasant memories of her son until 1975 (for 48 years after his martyrdom) and never ever did she regret for having lost this brave son. She affectionately shared the intimate accounts of  her son Bhagat Singh, his playful ways and firm ideals.

In a book she reminiscences: “Bhagat used to say he would bring home a charming bride; he brought one in the form of freedom. He would also tell me not to come to receive his body. He loved me, contrary to the belief that his life of total dedication to the revolution had no space for love. He also loved his friends.”

With such sons as Shaheed  Bhagat Singh, his companions, their mothers and thousands of others who sacrificed together for the freedom of this subcontinent, it  now stands in three pieces as India, Pakistan and Bangladesh. History cannot be changed and I respect, like everyone else, these boundaries but only if we could avoid further bloodshed and waste of energies in hatred and, instead, harness it in the form of LOVE, PEACE AND PROSPERITY for the entire region. Let the borders be just on the land, not in our hearts.

It does not need a rocket science but a just a flicker of change in one’s thinking to turn this hatred into love. It does not need too many beaurocratic visits or trade pacts or anti war treaties if the one and a half billion people of this subcontinent decide to make AMAN KI ASHA ( hope of peace) into a REAL PEACE.

True both the nations are going through difficulties and surging extremism  in the form of religious extremists on either side. But if we look around with our eyes open, there are problems everywhere. The problems should not stand in the way for peace and prosperity in the region.

We do not need to go far, just turn our necks to the east to see with what dignity, perseverance and sanity this great first world nation JAPAN is bearing its hard times.

Our problems are minuscule in front of Japan and if we show sanity, patience and shun hatred, we could achieve peace in our region too.

As a mom again I feel so tiny for my trivial sacrifice, if there is any at all, in front of these mothers of the Fukushima-50.

One of these mothers of a Fukushima worker spoke today, tearfully saying, “My son and his colleagues have discussed it at length and they have committed themselves to die if necessary to save the nation. He told me they have accepted they will all probably die from radiation sickness in the short term or cancer in the long-term.”

And our two Nuclear capable nations at logger heads with each other for one excuse or the other, have more than 1.4 billion population together. The mere thought shivers me to bones, if God forbid, any nuclear accident took place here, there wouldn’t be merely 50 sufferers like Fukushima, but over 50 million or even far more.

I must admit that this thought passed my mind last night and gave me a sleepless, terrified night and pushed me to write this piece early in the morning.
Hence it is not just a few hundreds like me, who have divided families across the border, who stand at risk for any calamity if the relations between India Pakistan stayed ‘not friendly’.

There are 1.4 billion people on both the sides who are sitting write beneath the nose of nuclear weapons in the region. True the possibility of it being used is negligible, but then why such hefty expenditure in developing, maintaining and improving their ‘killing’ capabilities through big meaningless words like ‘NUCLEAR DETERRENCE’.

And  then the tensions give excuse to the vested interests( outside the region) to keep asking both sides to keep buying arms for their ‘safety’, amidst poverty, hunger, ignorance, illiteracy for millions on both sides. What if this money was used for development and not arms build up ?

Each one of us, among these  1.4 billion shall be the beneficiaries if two sides decided to digress from expenditure on arms and war preparedness, and invested in peace and prosperity in the region. Only ‘peoples  power’ can coerce the ‘top leadership’  for this. Let us ask for our ‘safety’ not through arms and ammunition but through education, health, alleviation of poverty, employment through economic activity . This is only possible if both sides are at PEACE with each other. Is this all that a far fetched dream?

Maybe, the idea looks a dream, but then dreams do come true too.

Are the bosses in the capitals Nut Alley( New Delhi) and Is Lame Abad ( Islamabad) listening too ?

( Post note: As if the night terror was not enough, the news of UN workers  killed in cold blood in Afghanistan got me nauseated. The need to seek peace and shun hatred in the region becoming even more urgent, lest we end up as savages).