Open up your mind and your potential reaches infinity…

Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

LIGHTER MOMENTS IN A SERIOUS CONFERENCE


This is how we attended the Conference.

There are moments in a serious conference when atmosphere goes monotonous and one tends to dose off. It is then, when one needs some ‘kicking’ remarks which act as wake up calls.

I was literally asleep at times in 1 UN PLAZA on Sep 21-22 when these snippets served as awakenings:
*” Projects that donot fly are termed Pilot projects.”
* “I donot recommend our US method of moving forward wherein, when for two years guys meet in suits, and finally decide to meet again the next year. “
* “Mobiles phones are our peripheral brains which are gradually taking over our central brains.”
* “In WHO we are observing another epidemic coming up in the health field by the name of Pilotitis.”
* “We Latinos donot eat to be nourished, we eat to be fuul.” a presenter from Dominican Republic.
* “Behind every strong woman , there is a great man.”
* “….. and I live in D.C.(Washington DC) and it happens to be the centre of the Universe.”
* “I am an everyday optimist and I want to get it done before all my hair are gone.I need to rush as you can see only 10% of my hair are left.”
* ” Job of an editor is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and then publish the chaff.”
* ‘I begin by introducing the panelists – some of whom I know since years and with some I have been working very closely with—and by ‘working’ I mean e-Health. Please dont let your great imaginations to fly.” a senior official of a HUGE UN organisation.”
Can imagine how much of ‘serious work’ we were doing for these two days talking about the world’s health!
We were a great bunch of people there, you see….

Dr. Ilmana Fasih
23 September 2010.

Category:

Humour, International, Personal, Uncategorized

LIFE FINALLY EXPLAINED…


Junk food…
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed……
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed……On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again……
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we marry,have kids and slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
(PS Sorry in advance if it hurts anyone’s sensitivity.This is just to change the taste in the mouth after a lot of bitter foods for thought.)

Category:

Humour

OOPS! SHE DOES IT AGAIN


Food for thought…
Pakistan stands divided into Muslims, Christians, Ahmedis, Hindus, Sikhs and Parsis.
Pakistan stands divided into Sunnis,  Shias and a million other sects.
It stands divided into the filthy rich Waderas and the desperately poor Harees.
It stands divided into inhuman extremists and moderate human beings.
It stands divided into shamelessly corrupt sharks and conscientiously honest dolphins.
It stands divided into Punjabis, Sindhis and half a dozen other ethnicities.
It stands divided into powerful politicians and hapless awam.
It even stand divided into Sindhi Biryani,Chapli Kabab and Balochi Sajji.
However one string that holds Pakistan united is CRICKET.
What oxygen is to life, cricket is to Pakistan. From an army dictator to an elected politician,  from a celebrity to a common man—they all breathe cricket.
An unlettered boy in a remote town of Sibi may not be able to read his name,  but he can spell who is the current wicket keeper.
A boy from Karachi may not know his Calculus but knows how many wickets Afridi has taken.
A city girl from Rawalpindi may not know who is her Foreign Minister but knows who is Shoaib Akhter’s latest girlfriend.
A grandmother in Mardan may not know the nearest grocer but gleams up when Yunus Khan comes to bat, on TV.
Cricket is one beloved a lad called Pakistan refuses to part with, despite her history of infidelities. A little show of loyality in the form of a rare match victory or a century or even a maiden over is always enough for him to forget her previous transgressions.
Oops! She betrays him again—so heartlessly, so shamelessly.
Pakistan is terribly hurt and heart broken. I wonder if he can ever forgive her again. Enough is enough. I hope he stands up on his spine and decides to call it a day.
Pakistan , you are not alone in this hour .We- all Pakistanis, all sport lovers and all humanity the world over are with you in this tragedy.
Let us not nod our heads in denial or cry conspiracy theories. Let us awaken our sleeping conscience. Let us revisit our long forgotten values.
Lets us teach a lesson which sends shivers for centuries to come.
Let this be a new beginning of an end. The beginning of fair play, merit and sportsmanship. And the end of match fixing, doping and ball tempering.
I beg cricket to have mercy on Pakistan. I beg it not to betray Pakistan again.
No, not again.

ILMANA FASIH
31 August 2010

Category:

Cricket, Humour, Pakistan

LIVING THE PAST THROUGH FB


Until an year ago I detested facebook to the fullest. Ever since my kids and husband had joined the network five years ago-life at home had transformed. There was a queue and constant quarrelling over the single PC we had then. I couldn’t get a head and tail of what they meant when the three of them constantly talked of checking their posts. They took turns to do so but came out with no post in their hands.

” Where is the post?” a technologically challenged person in me would ask.

T hey found the question too ridiculous to even give an answer. The indulgence was so continual that I had to put a ban on the internet for a month during their exams.

One fine evening, my daughter led me to start my own account on the FB—less out of love for me and more to get rid of the nagging that she got from me. I thought it was beyond my comprehension. I had no clue what these Latin words stood for—wall to wall, profile, privacy settings, status etc. etc.

Unwillingly I was grilled into learning the FB   science by these techy teens. Little did I know then, what was the future unfolding for me through FB.

Slowly and laboriously at an ant’s pace, things started to make sense. With some guidance and some trial n errors the FB intoxication was taking over.

Long lost neighbours, school mates and college friends kept surfacing on the friends list. Exchanging wall posts or mails with them and checking the recent wall posts –I too joined the bandwagon at home.

FB  for me is a time machine that takes me into the past in an instant. Exchanging mails or wall posts from different friends flashes the memories as colourful as the aurora borealis on the north pole.

Recieving a wall post from an old friend who I last saw 35 years ago transported me instantly to those beautiful days when we both played for hours with our dolls and even arranged their weddings.

I could clearly remember that red polka dot frock I always wanted to wear while going out to play. This friend once wrote a post on my wall referring to me as ”girl .  My nasty son rolled over the floor on that word and asked her to come out of FB to see who she was calling a girl. It was annoying but embarrassing too.

A friend from the Grade VII  who is now an architect, wrote a nostalgic note on my wall reminding of the silly things we did, and how I had acted as a messenger for him when he asked me to take this slip to my best friend saying “Will you marry me?”

Again the kids giggled.

I retorted, “Boys in our times had good morals and asked for marrying not dates”.

Their giggles turned into a hysterical laughter. I knew I was cornered, but I tried my best to act cool.

A friend from Grade X, who is now a CEO of a renowned software firm, adds me to his list. I couldn’t help but remind him of the day when he screamed at me for being “the meanest girl” on earth for betraying his trust. My wicked daughter looks wide eyed at me—demanding an explaination without saying so .Since his roll number came after mine and we sat adjacent in the exams—we had struck a deal. I would study the inorganic chemistry and he would learn the organic. We will then exchange notes in the exam in a collaborative effort .The exam began , I kept whispering my inorganic chemistry answers to him and he kept copying them obediently. When came his turn, his eagerness to tell me his part was worth recording.

The mean girl that I was, I had studied for the organic part too. I told him the paper was easy and I could manage it on my own. Nothing happened for the next one hour.

As I stepped out of the exam hall, a redfaced dragon was waiting to spew fire at me –hurling all kinds of allegations. I explained I had told him all the answers—but alas he was upset that I betrayed him and didn’t take his help. The whole school knew what we had corroborated.

A nerdy school senior who is now a Physics Professor and a very good friend chats on FB. We talk of the golden school days and the talks stray towards our chemistry Sir and his message screams :”Oh Julie”. That was like a password and it opened up all the memory boxes right from his pronunciation to how he used to erase the black board,  to how he compared the protons to girls and electrons to boys with the protons in the nucleus and the electrons revolving around them in the orbits.

I forgot for that hour how old I was.

Brother XYZ of Sacred Heart adds.He was the vice principal of our school and a person we could crack jokes with ,without any fear of reprimand. We talk about the other Brothers. He tells me he knew very well what all names we had coined to the whole fleet of Brothers.

We talk of our strict and dangerous Principal, and that he too knew what we called him behind his back. He revealed that he even knew how we girls walked past him taking a deep breath trying to check what perfume he was wearing that day. Too embarrassing to know but thanks to FB  I was behind the laptop and not face to face .

A friend from high school writes on my wall. She reminds me how we both were expelled out of the biology class for constantly giggling at the lame jokes the  boys sitting behind were cracking,  telling a running commentary of the actions and the expressions of the poor lady explaining digestive system on the blackboard. For once I managed to hide this post from the two monsters and succeeded in maintaining the holier than thou image.

My brother adds me and these two monsters at the same time. They narrate all my secrets to mamu. He offers them another occasion to poke fun at their mother. He explains how it took me some hours in the Grade VI to understand simple algebra—not until Papa had to elaborate 2x + 3y as 2 horses and 3 donkies.

My kids cry foul.

”So why do you scream at us when we don’t get it the first time”.

I have no answer to them but a sheepish grin.

I got smarter on FB with time and learned the tricks and privacy settings to not to expose the shady sections of my past to these monsters.

I even got the art of closing the window after typing “BRB” at an infinite speed when there were: “bachas right behind”.

It may be embarrassing at times but revisitng the past through FB is a trip to heaven.

I admit my addiction to the intoxication of this time machine. Even if that occurs at the expense of becoming a butt of joke from  my kids, I dont care.

It makes me escape the daily grind of the four letter words that keep me held up— WORK, READ, COOK, WASH and YELL at these bundles of joy I call my children.

All credits to Mark Zuckerberg  for making the ‘reliving the past’ experience possible.

Thank you Mark.

ILMANA FASIH
29 AUGUST 2010

Category:

Humour, Personal

LIFE FINALLY EXPLAINED…


Junk food…
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?”
So God agreed……
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?”
And God agreed……On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?”
And God agreed again……
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”
But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we marry,have kids and slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
(PS Sorry in advance if it hurts anyone’s sensitivity.This is just to change the taste in the mouth after a lot of bitter foods for thought.)

September 2010

Category:

Humour

LIFE CYCLE BACKWARDS


s
“The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, the life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.

What do you get at the end of it?

A Death!!

What’s that, a bonus?

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work .

You work forty years until you are young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school.

You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into womb, you spend your last nine months floating…

… and you finish as an orgasm.”

~~A  life’s new formula proposed by:

George Denis Patrick Carlin

He is a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor, and author.

Carlin is especially noted for his political and black humor and his observations on language, psychology, and religion along with many taboo subjects.

Category:

Humour