Its Friday again.
A fateful day that changed our lives forever.
Its been really tough all these past weeks for different reasons.
Past few days navigating offices have been extremely challenging. Its time for renewal of car insurance and they want your signature. I did not have the strength nor the wlll to tell the agent that you are no more.
She called me again. “Madam I have not recieved signatures from the main driver. Plase expedite or you will go past the 15 September deadline.”
I told her you are not here.
She replied, “You can courier him and he will send back.”
I asked her, “Can you transfer the insurance with myself as principle driver and remove his name?”
Her: May i ask if you are separated or divorced? In that case….
Me(I interrupted her): Ummmm….. I am sorry but he is no more. He passed away…..
Her: I am so sorry Ma’am. Why did you not tell me this. I apologize for all these arguments.
Me: Yeah, its so hard to say it out from my mouth.
Her: I understand. Now if you wish to remove his name from the insurance, you can submit a death certificate.
The next call was to Ali, our car mechanic.
“Ali bhai car mein oil change kerwana hai. Ismail gaari le ker aa jayega.”
Ali: Baji Dr. Sb abhi hain?
Mujhe pher se unko check kerana tha. Garmi mein asthma pher barh gya.
Me: Ali apko ek buri khaber deni hai. Dr. Sb chale gaye?
“Baji, kya naraz ho Dr sb se ? “
“Nahin Ali bhai Dr Sb ka inteqal.ho gya.
Baji, aap kya keh rahi ho? Woh tou jawan admi the. Itne healthy ke unko dekh ker rashq aaye. Achanak? Kya huwa?”
“Jee Ali Bhai Covid. Mareez dekh rahe the.”
“Baji pehli dafa suna hai kisi ki death COVID se. Bahut bara saneha hai. Mujhe tou kuch samajh nahin aa raha. Gaari ki fikr na karein. Aap meri behn hain.”
Are you reading it my dear Babloo? These are the kind of goosebumps inducing conversations I am dealing with these days. Do you watch over these conversations? Does it feel awkward to you?
Or do you also think like others, “God tests those who can endure it.”
Well yes I am facing it with endurane and without breaking down most of the time. But I can take no more. I want to give up.
Please tell God if He is around, that i dont need this endurance or strength that is put to such a severe test. Please request God to have mercy on me. My heart weeps when insurance, banks, mortgage all ask to “remove” your name.
Am I going to be entirely on my own now? Ofcourse you are not there, but now even your name will not accompany mine in the car insurance, bank account and other documents. What cruel game plan is this?
Please inform all your happy buddies up there that passing of a loved one is not a single event in this world. At every new step, on every new document, your demise is reenacted by “removal” from it. And your name is buried again in the papers I sign which notifies your demise.
I dread for the time when saying, “My husband is not alive” will become a normal conversation devoid of a heartwrench when spouse information is asked.
Anyways, Babloo, if you are really happy there, it will at least be worth bearing this trauma.
Stay happy, stay blessed up there.
We are figuring out how to live on our own.
Just keep sending a bit of your emotional intelligence to us.