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Archive for September 5, 2020

Letter to God


Dear God,

I am sure it must be a lot more exciting and a happy place up there with so many good souls like Fasih, his friend Dr. Mahmood present there, just as how deserted and sad and lonely it feels here without them to me, Huma and others.
I have been repeatedly reassured by almost everyone of our well wishers that he is in a much better place than here. And that he must be much happier there too.
As you know God, I have written over 3 dozen letters to Fasih. I am also going through counseling and taking meds to keep myself sane and make sense of what has happened.
But I have a problem.
Fasih knew it very well, and ofcourse You know it more than anyone else, that i am a restless mind that wants definite answers. Fasih understood me more than even my own parents or anyone else. He must be also restless to send me the answers to the questions that keep popping in my mind. Some of them may be silly questions, but some are really serious.
Can you let once, just once, allow Fasih to reply to my letter?
Foremost, I want to ask him about the question that has been haunting me the most. When the ICU doctor informed us that he plans to put Faih on ventilator, did he inform him as well? What was Fasih’s reaction as a Pulmonologist who had himself incubated hundreds in his career? Did he consent bravely, as always, or did his heart miss a beat on the news? I want to know how did my Fasih face this moment emotionally?
Second, is he happier up there than here? I know and even joked with Fasih that he loved Taj more than anything else. He had turned the dream into a reality from his sweat, blood and now his life. He had plans for next 25 years? Does he not miss Taj? Has he found a much better place there than Taj?
Third, has he been united with his parents whose prayers and blessings were the reason he said he was so blessed in this world. I am sure this must be the best thing happened to him?
Fourth, Fasih was a restless soul. He could never sit idle. Help the most needy was his way of life. His patients duas he said were his biggest bank balance and he loved his profession to the utmost? Does he get to do meaningful work there? I know it will be boredom for him if he just has to while away his time in leisure.
Fifth, does he miss us? Is he really happy without us? Here his family leisure time, travelling together with family was his best source of relaxation. I promise i won’t be jealous if I know he is happier there.
Sixth, does he have pets there? He must be missing Elmo, Shakespeare, Cleopatra, Rio, Sonu snd Maaya tons, i am sure. They miss him badly too.
I promise I will be at peace after I get answers to these questions.
Please let my man just reply to me once. I love him enough to not keep him in any bondage. I will be happy to know that he is happier there and not regretting being away from.Taj, his dream and our baby and from us.
Please forgive me, I do not mean to be disrespectful of your decision God. I just want to be at peace in my heart from Fasih’s side and for my closure.

Sincerely, Ilmana.

Link: https://www.facebook.com/quraishi.ilmana/posts/3610786488933893


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