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Archive for the ‘General’ Category

OH! THE CRACKPOTS


Read this *Chinese Wisdom*  years ago, and was reminded again today by a Filipino friend’s email.

 

Once upon a time there was a very old woman who lived in a remote village in China. She use to go to a far off stream to fetch water in her two earthen pots. One of her pots was perfect while the other had a crack in it.

Everyday when she brought water from the stream it would leak from the crack in the second pot and by the time she reached home there were only one and a half pots full of water in them.
She went on with the same routine for years without any change.

The perfect pot felt proud of itself for being flawless.
However the cracked one was ashamed of its imperfection as it could only accomplish half of what it was meant to.

After years of feeling guilty, the cracked pot one day gathered courage and while the old lady was filling it up with water, it begged sorry to the lady mentioning about its flaw and how it betrayed the old woman.

The old lady smiled  and said, “I have been aware of your flaw all along,  and did you not notice that I had sown the  seeds of flowering plants on your side of the path,  all through.  And when you leaked water on the way,  those seeds got irrigated,  the plants grew and now there are flowers blooming in them.  Thanks to you,  my leaky pot.”

And she told the cracked pot how much of  ‘fragrance’  and  ‘color’  have those beautiful flowers brought in her life.

“If it wasnt for you, there wouldnt be these  ‘flowers’  in my life.”

The cracked pot continued to leak , and drenched her as she hugged  the sad cracked pot,  affectionately.

The cracked pot smiled back,  with a deep sigh of relief.

 

Morals of the Story:

Each of us has our own crack  and  flaw or even cracks and flaws.

These cracks or flaws  make us unique, interesting and rewarding in one way or the other.

We need to accept not only our cracks,  but the cracks in others as they are,  and find good in them.

And yes…. we must also remember to see and smell the flowers on ‘our’  side of the path.

Always…

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Category:

Art, General, Humour

ALL THAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME…


Dignified distances where proximity doesn’t need to be,
Is the true source of pleasure that means so much to me.

Caring blankness where expressions don’t need to be,
Is the true face of contentment that means so much to me.

Gratifying cries where laughs don’t need to be,
Is the true sight of comfort that means so much to me.

Comforting taunts where praises don’t need to be
Is the true sound of repletion that means so much to me.

Satisfying indifferences where attention doesn’t need to be,
Is the true sense of complacency that means so much to me.

Acceptance of realities where fantasies don’t need to be,
Is the true sign of maturity that means so much to me.

Understanding silences where words don’t need to be,
Is the true gift of FRIENDSHIP that means so much to me.

Ilmana Fasih
18 December 2010.

Category:

General, MY POETRY, Personal, Poetry

ONLY IF THE PASTURES ON THE OTHER SIDE WERE THAT GREEN


My home phone rings.
“Hello, this is Akshita here”
“Akhsita?Oh yes I remember.”

It took me a few seconds to place her- a young 26 year old Indian doctor, from Chandigarh who I had met on Oct 25, 2010 during a day long exam for Canadian Licence for medical practice.

I had noticed her sitting huddled up in a corner during the hour long break in the exam and I sat next to her with the usual smile to initiate a dialogue

“Are you from India?” she asked
“Yes from Delhi.”

We deicide to go upto the coffee shop to buy cofee and stand in the queue exchanging the usual data about each other.

“But I need some coins too so that I can call my husband once the exam is done.”
“So you don’t have a cell phone,” I stop short of asking her. Yes it isnt mandatory for all of us to have a cell phone.

We talk of the exam and the time flies away.

She mentions to me how ‘homesick’ she feels and it has been months since she talked to another Indian and another doctor.

“So you dont study in a study group”.
“No” she replied again.

Yes I too dont like group study so just give this answer a pass.
As we pack up to turn back for the next session and she asks me, as if unsure if this was an appropriate thing to ask:

”Can I have your phone number? If I need to, can I ever call you?”

I dictate out the number again too involved in my next exam without giving my name or even asking her number in return, even out of politeness.

We disperse and she is out of my mind.

Today she calls up to ask about the outcome of the exam result and poor soul declares that she could not pass. I reassure her, and to stay put until she succeeds. Next exam is 6 months on and enough to make a strong preparation.

She explains that she can only talk till her mother in law is in the shower.

She breaks down with the news that she cant even appear again until she reimburses the fees for this exam to her in laws .

“You couldn’t succeed, the fee of $1500 dollars was a total waste”—she is repeatedly taunted by her husband.

We talked for about 20 minutes or so, and she seemed  keen to do most of the talking. I let her.

She confided is being nagged to compensate for the fees. How? She has no clues nor have they hinted how. Go out to work? She says but they dont let her even step out alone from the house. Or maybe if she does go out to do an odd job of $10.25 an hour, they may change their mind.

Or graver still , maybe they expect her to demand this from her family back home to refund. But they are so kind that they do not say it in so many words.

They are letting her use her ‘independence’ to decide how she would reimburse.

“I feel miserable.I dont know what to do’”?

The word homesickness strikes my mind. Now I get a clue to what ‘homesickness’ she was going through in her new home in Canada.

She is being reminded several times a day and in several ways that they got her married to their son, for doctors here earn good money and she has proved to be an expensive daughter-in-law on the contrary.

She is now here since 3 years and lives with her inlaws. She has been attempting to clear the licensing exam since past two years in order to come into the medical practice in Canada.The expenses for the fees are pretty fat and generally it takes a few attempts for the average foreign trained proffessional to pass the exams.

Since she’s been feeding on the family’s expenses for these past 3 years, who had even financed her $ 2000+  airticket when she arrived in the country after marriage and the expenses of her books, exams fees she has been convinced. With all this already spent on her,  she has been convicned she cannot be provided with a cell phone.

“Here the person is paid on an hourly basis and half of the money is taken away in taxes’, she is told time and again.

Hence, to make long story short—she does not need to have a cell phone.

She is ‘allowed’ by her generous inlaws to make a 5-10 min call to her parents every 15 days and they are so kind they stand by her for everyminute of the call she makes to her ‘contented’  parents. Why shouldn’t they be, their girl is settled in Canada.

Any deviation in her expressions to her parents over the phone from ”alls well’ tone is greeted with eyes popping from the mother in law’s sockets,  or for days when her husband “neither looks, talks or touches” her. (in her own words).

She has no relatives or acquaintnaces in the town she lives, and before she got my telephone number, she did not have even a single phone number to call in times, good or bad.
Mother in law is a retired lady and hence she is fortunate to be escorted by her all those hours when her husband is away. When he arrives only does she do her other social obligations.

She feels she and her husabnd are   literally “remote controlled” by the  mother in law.  But she is ‘kind’ enough tolet  her study time from 8 am to 12 noon, soon after her husband leaves for work, but past noon onwards she does the house chores of cooking and cleaning, unsupervised, while the mother in law makes a one hour telephone call to her daughter in another city.

Three years and she has not been even dropped a hint at learning to drive, with a simple assumption from her that she can only do it once she has her Canadian passport.

 I offer her if I could help her in any way, she feels extremely undecided and then wants to wait that if she passes next time the attitudes will get better. At times she contradicts herself and justifies that the husband is “really bearing too much of her expenses”.

I ask her if she could give me her Indian phone number so that at least I can drop a hint to her parents—but she confides that the father is a heart patient and the mom has advised to refrain from any bad news.

I reassure her that there are various places and resources available for help but then it will need a huge courage on her part to come out. I also tell her to take her own decision—nor can I force her to take the action of my choice and then should go in with strong conviction. She repeats, “I think once I pass things will be different.”

As we were just in the midst of this discussion she hangs up the phone. Maybe it got disconnected. I wait. 

But the ring doesn’t ring again.It hasnt rung till now—almost 3 hrs since her call.

I feel extremely disturbed. Can I return the call? What if  other family members are home? What if she hasn’t told them about me and it might rebound on her. Hope she calls back. Hope she stays safe and in control of her situation
 

How can I take the baton for her? She has to run her own relay.
We can just guide her, reassure her and empower her to take her own sound decisions.

But the courage has to be her own.

I’ve never been so puzzled in life. I find it hard to get back to business as usual.

A perfect recipe for me to stay up all night, staring the roof .

Very often we hear of the cries of stories wherein the western desi girls are subjected to forced marriages by their families to cousins or other family members.

In Pakistan I know, there has been a special cell in the British HC for rescuing such girls from the clutches of forced marriages. Majority of these girls are at least school graduates and well aware of their rights and still they find it hard to rebel against what goes on.

A similiar but reverse trend of bringing girls from back home  is thriving too. Many desi households  in the west live a terrifically balanced life —by adopting those western values which suit them and conveniently being amnesic to those norms which donot suit them.

Prevailing social and economic hardships, over population, and fascination for the ‘foreign country’ or ‘west’ lures equally the parents and the girls back home to aspire for a foreign rishta. It offers a quick escape from the hardships in the heat and dust back home. The guy’s family too finds it a lot convenient to look for a simpleton bride from their homeland with the impression that the girls back there are still make ‘bholi bhali bahus’ as they had known when they migrated a couple or more  decades ago. Majority of them live in the time freeze of the times they had last lived back home.

The parents quite often, convince the boy,  after he has done enough of ‘playing around’ in high school or college days, that now it is worthwhile or rather safe to go for a desi girl with a desi frame of mind—fulfilling everyones convenient dreams—most of all of parents themselves,  of  a desi seedhi saadi bahu. It also  enables obliging the relatives ‘behind’  by choosing their daughter, hence opening their gateway to the west.

The guy is convinced that the girl who comes will be adjusting and law abiding at home, wouldn’t be a threat to the marriage, and will never know her rights or claims if at all the marriage fails.
This is one mindset which atunes  all diaspora of the South Asians,  to the same wavelength, across all subgroups, all faiths, all languages and all economic classes.

Doctor girls are in huge demand by the foreign settled rishta parents from our subcontinent.

Principally it is a noble profession, it makes  great news to announce that the bahu is a doctor, if she gets into the system she will mint money and will be the blue eyed of her husband and his family as their mortgages will be finished soon.

Back home with 4:1 ratio of girls in medical colleges, and the valid aspiration of every medical graduate to find a suitor of equal professional aptitude is tough, hence getting a proposal from a foreign settled graduate is like  “her man in shining armour riding  a white horse, who will come, and lo will vanish  all the miseries in her life.”
.
Of course the  cousin marriages, in Muslims,  need no cross check. In other communities, the girl’s family is so enamoured by the foreign rishta that they believe on word of mouth or get impressed by a tour of the photoalbums, and consent to the foreign damaad  without much investigation. Even if they wish to inquire, ‘the distance, the visa, the expense’ constraints  are enough to dampen the ‘evil’ thought.

Investigations for what?  She is a doctor and she will earn well over there.
A lot of them do not even explore how tough the licensinfg exams are, and that barely a fraction of them are able to make into the field of medical practice.

Majority of doctors end up being grateful housewives or doing odd jobs or even diversifying into diametrically opposite fields like interior decoration, beautician, research assistant or a teacher.

This is not the srtory of one Akshita. The situation on ground is overwhelming in volume.
.

The idea here is not to create a paranoia but to inform about the various vulnerabilities one faces—be it in professional terms or socail viewpoint.

Despite the tremendous pressures for a right match or aspirations to move over to the greener pastures, it is mandatory for the parents to cross check the degrees that the boys claim to possess and the the possibilities of one’s daughter to be able to pursue her career.

She should be aware of her rights as well as the duties which takes to make marriage a compatible, pleasant and a worthwhile experience. It certainly does not imply that all are alike but a lot of girls I have personally known do find it tough to adjust to the controlling ways of their insecure inlaws.

Getting one’s daughter maried off to a stranger residing thousands of miles away needs a truck load of courage. It should be embarked upon with wisdom and with all the possible issues in mind.

It has been, now, 4 hours since Akshita called me. She did not ring back. Hope she is fine and safe. Hope her controlling mother in law hasn’t heard her talk on phone.

I hope she gets enough courage to stand up on her two legs and her husband grows a spine in his back —to at least lend a moral support to his wife, who has come a 4000 miles just to spend the rest of her life with him,  and who is going to be a mother of his kids in future.

If the mother in happy, their children too would grow happy.

Most likely, I am afraid her situation will prevail as such with cyclical pattern of frequent taunts and then a few happy moments— typical of  abuse—and she will go on for years being unsure whether it is appropriate for her raise an alarm and she will be listened to.

Every doctor girl coming here to Canada or west in general, has to go through the challenges—of adjusting to the new way of life, pressures of completing the battery exams in order to get back into practice, feeling homesick but unable to visit parents and with loads of expectations that one day she will turn into “a goose that will lay gold eggs.”

In this era of information explosion it is an abominable sin to embark on a life long decision unaware of it’s pros and cons. It is mandatory on all parents and girls to please take wise decisions.
Please look before you let your daughters leap.

Decide carefully and wisely…

Ilmana Fasih
16 December 2010
(PS: This is a true story of today itself. However, Akshita is not her real name).

Category:

General, India, Pakistan, Personal, Social Issues, Women

OH GETTING THE MEN IN MY LIFE TO RELISH VEGGIES!


I have yet to find a yet more daunting task than to get the two men in my life and my home  to enjoy the vegetables that sit on my dining table.

Right from the creases on their foreheads when the news spreads outside the kitchen that veggies are on the menu card that day, to the whole process of cooking and then laying it on the table is what I call a ‘domestic Jihad’.

Suddenly a much cooperative and mild husband turns into an embodiment of a mean ‘zaalim shohar’ and a son into a ‘chauvinist ruffian at their mere sight , what to talk of the tasting act.

The 20 year old DRAMA gets enacted each time with the ditto dialogues—

ACT One

““I don’t mind aloos and bhindis. But this stuff—no, no doctor ne mana kiya hai sabzi khaane se.”” That says a man who is himself playing doctor, doctor since past 25 years.
And then my typical jala bhuna dialogue—“ Haan haan, when the coronary arteries will get 60% blocked, doctors will reverse the veggies restriction”.

ACT One ends.

For years I took this as a welcome opportunity to flaunt my hubby of his Pakistaniat and the love for Niharis, Haleem or infact anything that had the ‘animal protein’ in it. I even got mean at times like a typical nagging wife to accuse that only if his mom had insisted on him to eat veggies, I wouldn’t be suffering today. And he left no chance to retort at us ‘miskeen Indians’ for having been raised on sabzis like ‘bakris’.

Who knew that God was watching us too.  And HE decided to send me a son who is a replica of his dad when preference of veggies are concerned. More scornful and even more frowning is his face at the sight of them than was of his father in his prime years.

And adding fuel to the fire—anytime he scorns at the veggies my husband gives me a nasty smile which speaks volumes of his “A Musa for the firaun in me”  disdain. But am too smart to even take notice of his smile and cleverly act dumb to his expressions.

And then continues the ACT Two of the age old drama—

“If you wont eat veggies your wife will accuse your mom of not having taught her son to eat healthy”, remarks my husband

Now both my son and I act dumb.

In fact my son gives his Dad a look which speaks of –“Look who’s talking.”

Thankfully as the husband enters the fold of middle age—he seems to have softened down over his anti veggie stance and now eats some more veg- things quietly, and I too act as if I haven’t noticed , just thanking my God and my perseverance for it.

However, the son is at his peak of the anti veggie stance. But the difference is that he does not openly accept his hatred for the veggies like the dad used to and claims he eats salads—‘which are fresher and healthier than cooked veggies’. And that, ‘they preserve their vitamins more and in the cooked ones the vits are destroyed’.

Fair enough—he isn’t absolutely inaccurate but then time and again I keep introspecting why is it that men naturally don’t prefer veggies than women. My husband claims that it is the muscle mass in men which compels then to take “high quality protein” which only animal protein can supply. How far is this scientifically correct—only research can prove.

Every quarrel at the table with my son on veggies makes me keep brooding for hours as to how can mums get their sons to relish the sabzis.

What is the secret formula?

Or who are those men who enjoy veggies over non veg.

At least in my surroundings and upto third-cousins—I have yet to find one.

Even my supposedly ‘miskeen Indian” kins are all carnivores leave aside being omnivores.

Hard brainstorming has made me reach a wild guess that it is the taste that needs to be correct.

And the taste in any food lies in how it is prepared. Our problem amongst muslim households (whether Pakistani or Indians ) is we cook vegetables like gosht—with lots of spices and making it mushy.

Why is it that the same anti-veggie son of mine takes away all the veggies while eating, but when he gets to eat Chinese food—he chews down every bit, be what—lettuce, carrots, pepper, brocolli etc.

The secret perhaps is that —it is just cooked—and maintains the crunchy feel of the veggies. And then the original flavour of each veggie is not killed by the loads of spicy curry powder that goes with it in our usual meal.

Cabbage, carrots, peppers, onions in their visible form over a pizza or a pasta go almost unnoticed by my men. But if comes a desi sabzi—they don’t even bear to look at it.
Innovative cooking and a few tricks, can do wonders in getting the men in your family swallow veggies.

When cooking any of the above mentioned stuff I try to add as many veggies as possible so that they will end up being consumed. I even try to piece the veggies in Pasta so tiny that taking out becomes a harder exercise than to swallow it down the throat.

As for the logic that kids should be trained from the early age to eat veggies, has failed miserably in my household. Except for French fries there were no veggies that my son would look at even instinctively. I wonder if this is due to some fault in my weaning of my baby or is it the general norm in most house holds—I have yet to explore.

Yes, one thing worked wonders for my son and that was the example of the cartoon Popeye, the sailor man, who made my son happily eat spinach till he was naive—the day he became cunning—he started questioning the taste of the same erstwhile delicious spinach. And despite millions of viewings of the Popeye cartoons during the feeding time of my son—here I am back to ‘square one’ with absolutely no liking for the ‘green mess’ which my son calls the spinach.

A son who I proudly call an ‘exceptional’ one because of his strong views against drugs, smoking and even fizzy drinks at the age of 17.

But alas, can’t convince him to love veggies.

Any new ideas? Please, I am in dire need of ‘em…

ILMANA FASIH

21 July 2009

Category:

Food, General, Health, Humour, Personal

ARE THERE ANY RULES OF PARENTING?


Time and again we as parents talk of what are the secrets of raising our chidren to the best of our abilities and discover a” fool proof” way that they turn out to be super kids.
I have yet to see a set of parents who donot aspire their kids to do well. We all try our own mechanisms , within our means of understanding, in becoming the ideal parents.

When we bring a television, a camera or even a small cell phone we get with it the users manual to see what appropriate ways to use it and what is to be done to ”trouble shoot”.

However, when we bring in the beautiful machines called babies we donot bother to look up for its’ user’s manual simply because the baby doesnt come in with one. We, like other major issues in our life including religion, depend upon the hearsay of the seniors or others in dealing with these “bundles of joy”.

We use our ‘trial and error methods’ and then when things go wrong we blame–there are no rules for parenting. It all depends upon Allah and His will if our kids turn out to be good, not so good or even baad.
Although I did attempt to read a book on Positive Parenting while expecting my first child, I too am in NO way, any better than those parents who learn as they raise their kids. Learning as such is a life ling process but then there has to be a baseline to take off from. To my much dismay now, I probably took off as an illiterate when I embarked on the parenting path, 19 years ago. I feel ashemed of many silly and many serious follies I committed along the way. I wish I had even a fraction of enlightenment that I have now. Sorry, but it’s too late to cry over spilt milk. Not because I failed—certainly I did not— but because despite my follies my kids were smart enough to stay fairly on track.
Nor does it imply that I was an “all evil mom” but yes I did have my share of mistakes. It was only when my kids grew a bit older did I get to watch the serials like SUPER NANNY or read child psychology articles on the web . How I wish I had known that when my little committed made a blunder—instead of screaming or scolding I should have talked to her at her eye level without raising my voice. Also that when my son misbehaved—instead of giving him a scornful look and a nasty threat of police , I had put him on a naughty chair for the time appropriate for his age. And most of all instead of using TV with Cartoon Network as a baby sitter, I wish I had used some more useful methods to engage them.

I feel terrible at times of the rare, probably a couple of occaisions only, when I really slapped my kids hard for some really really serious reasons. I wish I had the control over me then, to deal with them with more restraint. I have even apologised to them for these acts time and again. But these kids are no saints—they are monsters in the garb of sons and daughters—they do forgive and forget at the moment but then use it as ” a tool ” whenever deemed necessary. I wish I had never given them a chance to use this” life line”.

I attended a lecture, sometime ago, by a philanthropist from Brampton, by the name of Baldev Mutta who deliverd an extremely enlightening lecture and that too based on scientific evidence and research about what makes kids great sailors and survivors in this bad mad sad world.

The rules he presented were mainly of common sense and indeed many a times made me wonder during the lecture—gosh! why didnt that click to me when I was raising my kids?


Baldev Mutta ji begins with saying:

Spend quality time with your kids.
A child’s self-esteem is greatly influenced by the quality of time we spend with them-not the amount of time that we spend. With our busy lives, we  often think about the next thing  we have to do, instead of putting a focused attention on what our child is saying to us. We often pretend to listen or ignore our child’s attempts to communicate with us. If we don’t give our child quality time , they will often start to misbehave. Negative attention in a child’s mind is better than being ignored.

It is also important to recognize that feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are.

So when your child says to you, “Mommy, you never spend time with me” (even though you just played with her) she is expressing what she feels. It is best at these times just to validate her feelings by saying, “Yeah, I bet it does feel like a long time since we spent time together.”

So beautiful is the technical term given to quality time – Genuine encounter moments (GEM).

Give Children Appropriate Ways to Feel Powerful

If you don’t, they will find inappropriate ways to feel their power.
Ways to help them feel powerful and valuable are to ask their advice, give them choices, let them help you balance your check book, cook part of a meal, or help you shop. A two-year-old can wash plastic dishes, wash vegetables, or put silverware away. Often we do the job for them because we can do it with less hassle, but the result is they feel unimportant.

Unfortunately many of us desi parents love to keep our children emotionally and physically dependent on us. Not because we want it that way but because we fear losing them if they get independent.

Mr Mutta, to my utter shock, reinforced several times that the kids should be independent enough to make their own breakfast at the age of 12 and above. Many of us would shoo this as ridiculous stuff but believe me once I learnt this I took my hands off my kids morning stints and now they ‘re all independent.

I ’rest in peace’ while they get up, get ready in the early morning hours and fetch their own breakfast. At the oputset my heart thumped hard as I lay in bed overhearing the background noises of their activity in the kitchen, but now my soul gets rejuvenated each time I see them walking away from the kitchen with a self prepared breakfast. And that no more am I an indispensable entity.

Only if I attended Baldev’s lecture 5 years ago !!!

Create love for books in the child right from day 1:

Says Mr Mutta that research has proven that if the child is given a book right from the first days in the crib and then made to sleep each day after reading to them from a colorful attractive book—the child grows up with the love of reading books. And as the child loves to read he broadens his horizon, raises his intellect , aspires to acquire more and stays away from boredom related social ills like drugs, hooliganism, crime etc..
Every occaision should be used to give them books as presents. They last longer and impact far more than the plastic toys.

Teach the child to be empathetic towards the parents:
As parents especially as moms, we all have a Mother Teresa within ourselves. We donot want our kids to get even an iota of suffering in this world and in doing so we do more harm to them than we anticipate. We donot share our worries, our pains with them thinking they are kids.
Says Baldevji—if we are sick, we should act sick in front of the kids and teach them to care for us—by sitting beside us, accompanying along to the doctor and even share our social and economic problems with them so that they get to learn and realise that their parents are as human as others. We shouldnt attempt to fake ourselves as Godly or saintly figures in front of them who can provide them with panaceas to every problems or everything they ask for. If they learn to care for us from the early childhood then only will they care or feel for us in the later age.
Teach the child to share and do charity:

We often pamper our kids by telling them they’re special kids and all that is ours belongs to them. True it may be but we donot realise that this way we are grooming them as self centred egotists.
Baldev ji suggests that if you intend to do any charity or give any gift to anyone outside the immediate family—let your child do the giving act. This way they learn the art of sharing and giving.
Looks pretty common sense. I remember many a times I had to give some presents to other kid’s on their birthdays quietly, because my son would want them or would be disturbed by it being given away. I think I should have let him feel that way to make him learn that all is not ours.

Rest of the tips I obtained from my web search, are fairly commonsensical and probably we all are aware of most of them. But despite knowing it ” all”, time and again we omit them when we need to use them.

Withdraw from Conflict
If your child is testing you through a temper tantrum, or being angry or speaking disrespectfully to you, it is best if you leave the room or tell the child you will be in the next room if he wants to “Try again.” Do not leave in anger or defeat. I know very well how “easier said than done” this tip is!

Separate the Deed from the Doer
Never tell a child that he is bad. That tears at his self-esteem. Help your child recognize that it isn’t that you don’t like him, but it is his behavior that you are unwilling to tolerate. In order for a child to have healthy self-esteem, he must know that he is loved unconditionally no matter what he does. Do not motivate your child by withdrawing your love from him. When in doubt, ask yourself, did my discipline build my child’s self-esteem?

Use Logical Consequences
Often the consequences are too far in the future to practically use a natural consequence. When that is the case, logical consequences are effective. A consequence for the child must be logically related to the behavior in order for it to work. For example, if your child forgets to return his video and you ground him for a week, that punishment will only create resentment within your child. However, if you return the video for him and either deduct the amount from his allowance or allow him to work off the money owed, then your child can see the logic to your discipline.

God has indeed been very forgiving and kind to me and my husband as parents —despite all the major & minor follies—kids arent as bad as they could have been. They may not be “superkids” but I am still proud of them.
When we aspire to have “superkids”—we must question ourselves—

WERE WE SUPERKIDS WHEN WE WERE YOUNG?
Keep thinking….

Ilmana Fasih
23 November 2010.

Category:

General, Social Issues

The secret of happiness ( from ALCHEMIST))


The secret of happiness ( from ALCHEMIST))
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret of Happiness from the wisest of men. The young man wandered through the desert for forty days until he reached a beautiful castle at the top of a mountain. There lived the sage that the young man was looking for.
However, instead of finding a holy man, our hero entered a room and saw a great deal of activity; merchants coming and going, people chatting in the corners, a small orchestra playing sweet melodies, and there was a table laden with the most delectable dishes of that part of the world.
The wise man talked to everybody, and the young man had to wait for two hours until it was time for his audience.
With considerable patience, the Sage listened attentively to the reason for the boy’s visit, but told him that at that moment he did not have the time to explain to him the Secret of Happiness.
He suggested that the young man take a stroll around his palace and come back in two hours’ time.
“However, I want to ask you a favor,” he added, handling the boy a teaspoon, in which he poured two drops of oil. “While you walk, carry this spoon and don’t let the oil spill.”
The young man began to climb up and down the palace staircases, always keeping his eyes fixed on the spoon. At the end of two hours he returned to the presence of the wise man.
“So,” asked the sage, “did you see the Persian tapestries hanging in my dining room? Did you see the garden that the Master of Gardeners took ten years to create? Did you notice the beautiful parchments in my library?”
Embarrassed, the young man confessed that he had seen nothing. His only concern was not to spill the drops of oil that the wise man had entrusted to him.
“So, go back and see the wonders of my world,” said the wise man. “You can’t trust a man if you don’t know his house.”
Now more at ease, the young man took the spoon and strolled again through the palace, this time paying attention to all the works of art that hung from the ceiling and walls. He saw the gardens, the mountains all around the palace, the delicacy of the flowers, the taste with which each work of art was placed in its niche. Returning to the sage, he reported in detail all that he had seen.
“But where are the two drops of oil that I entrusted to you?” asked the sage.
Looking down at the spoon, the young man realized that he had spilled the oil.
“Well, that is the only advice I have to give you,” said the sage of sages. “The Secret of Happiness lies in looking at all the wonders of the world and never forgetting the two drops of oil in the spoon.”
from the book “The Alchemist”
PAULO COELHO:
The story above is taken from my book “The Alchemist”, currently 150 weeks in the New York Times Bestselling list + one of the Top 20 Bestselling Books from all timesTHANK YOU FOR YOUR CONTINUOUS SUPPORT!

Category:

CULTURE, General, Uncategorized

OUR PARENTS


This was narrated by an IAF pilot to IIT students during a Seminar on Human Relations:
Venkatesh Balasubramaniam (who works for IIT) describes how his gesture of booking an air ticket for his father, his maiden flight, brought forth a rush of emotions and made him (Venkatesh) realize that how much we all take for granted when it comes to our parents. My parents left for our native place on Thursday and we went to the airport to see them off. In fact, my father had never traveled by air before, so I just took this opportunity to make him experience the same. In spite of being asked to book tickets by train, I got them tickets on Jet Airways. The moment I handed over the tickets to him, he was surprised to see that I had booked them by air.. The excitement was very apparent on his face, waiting for the time of travel. Just like a school boy, he was preparing himself on that day and we all went to the airport, right from using the trolley for his luggage, the baggage check-in and asking for a window seat and waiting restlessly for the security check-in to happen. He was thoroughly enjoying himself and I, too, was overcome with joy watching him experience all these things. As they were about to go in for the security check-in, he walked up to me with tears in his eyes and thanked me. He became very emotional and it was not as if I had done something great but the fact that this meant a great deal to him. When he said thanks, I told him there was no need to thank me. But later, thinking about the entire incident, I looked back at my life. As a child, how many dreams our parents have made come true. Without understanding the financial situation, we ask for cricket bats, dresses, toys, outings, etc. Irrespective of their affordability, they have catered to all our needs. Did we ever think about the sacrifices they had to make to accommodate many of our wishes? Did we ever say thanks for all that they have done for us? Same way, today when it comes to our children, we always think that we should put them in a good school. Regardless of the amount of donation, we will ensure that we will have to give the child the best, theme parks, toys, etc. But we tend to forget that our parents have sacrificed a lot for our sake to see us happy, so it is our responsibility to ensure that their dreams are realized and what they failed to see when they were young. It is our responsibility to ensure that they experience all those and their life is complete. Many times, when my parents had asked me some questions, I have actually answered back without patience. When my daughter asks me something, I have been very polite in answering. Now I realize how they would have felt at those moments. Let us realize that old age is a second childhood and just as we take care of our children, the same attention and same care needs to be given to our parents and elders. Rather than my dad saying thank you to me, I would want to say sorry for making him wait so long for this small dream. I do realize how much he has sacrificed for my sake and I will do my best to give the best possible attention to all their wishes. Just because they are old does not mean that they will have to give up everything and keep sacrificing for their grandchildren also. They have wishes, too.. Take care of your parents. THEY ARE PRECIOUS.

Category:

General, Personal

LIVING A LIFE


Life is a fact,
Living is an art.
Upon us to act,
With choices called ‘smart’.
Neither with options ‘wierd’,
Nor should be feared.
But accept with grace,
The hardships we face.
Whether sweet or sour,
Are the grapes of life,
Stay who we are,
Without bitterness or strife.
Would rather not live,
Than leave my sanity.
More fulfilling to ‘give’,
Than ‘take’ for vanity.
Life’s road takes turn,
Brings lessons to learn.
With display of dignity,
We ascend to eternity.

Ilmana Fasih
10 November 2010
Dulles Airport, Washington DC.

Category:

General, MY POETRY, Personal, Poetry

HUSBAND HUMOUR


Copied some jokes from here n there to HONOUR our sweet husbands like mine, who tolerate a lot of crap from us wives (at least my husband does a great deal). He is an epitome of Tolerance I must say, to the extent that he needs to be beatified into a “Husband Saint”’
Let us women be the ‘butt’ of jokes for a change ;).

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
“Who are you?” he asked.
“I’m the Devil,” she responded.
“Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.
________________________
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied, “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
________________________
“Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?” asked Jane’s best friend.
“Why shouldn’t I?” said Jane.
“Well, maybe he is having an affair?”
“No way” said Jane “he never returns with any fish…”
_________________________
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 feet 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 feet 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”
__________________________
A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head.
“I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name ‘Marylou’ written on it,” she said, furious. “You had better have an explanation.”
“Calm down, honey,” the man replied. “Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on.”
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again.
“What was that for?” he complained.
“Your dog called last night.”
__________________________
A woman finds a genie’s lamp. The Genie comes out and says, “You may have three wishes, but your husband will get ten times more than what you wished for.”
The woman agrees. Her first wish was that she would be the most beautiful woman in the world. “You realize,” the Genie said, “that your husband will be ten times more beautiful than you, and more women will gawk at him?”
“That’s okay,” says the woman, “He’ll only look at me because I will be the most beautiful women.” So the wish is granted.
Her second wish was that she would be the richest woman in the world. “You know your husband will be ten times richer, right?” the Genie asks.
“That’s okay. What’s mine is his and what’s his is mine,” replied the woman. So the wish was granted.
The woman then thinks long and hard about her last wish. She finally wishes that she had a mild heart attack.
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, “I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
The woman looked puzzled. “Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked.
“Because every time I talk to a pretty woman like you, my wife appears out of nowhere”


_________________________
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
_____________________
What do you do if your best friend runs off with your husband?
Miss her. Pity her.
______________________
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer.
The husband said I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer.
The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said “I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer.
The husband replied” Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
_____________________________
What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
About 45 pounds.
What’s the differece between a husband and a boyfriend?
45 minutes.
___________________________

And the best three are at the bottom:
Hillary Clinton goes to a psychic who tells her: “Prepare yourself for widowhood … Your husband is about to die a violent death.”
Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies: “Will I be acquitted?”
__________________________
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
“You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.” The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs!”

__________________________
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The ma N thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied, “Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
XXXXXXXXX

IlmanaFasih

28 October 2010

Category:

General, Humour, Personal, Social Issues, Women

OH! THESE STUDIOUS GIRLS


Dedicated to all those ambitious girls in the world…..

One takes pride when one’s dream comes true through one’s child entering a world ranking university.
Ace students, never needed to be told to study, always look busy, attending late classes, carrying loads of books, rushing with assignment deadlines etc etc.
Lucky are we parents who brought forth such girls. Indeed they are a great bunch of lasses.
I click on my daughter and her friends’ walls to write a good luck note.
I read their crazy statuses and get the exact idea of how serious they are for their midterms. I copy paste some of their statuses, that my eyes had to bear:
SiLeNcE,
Is the best Answer for all questions….!
SmILe Is the best
Reaction in all situations
Unfortunately
BOTH Never Help In any examination , Test, …!
Disclaimer Notice: Student’s declaration at the end of answer paper!”I hereby declare that answers written above r true 2 the best of mine & my friend’s knowledge & I claim no responsibility whatsoever 4 any mistakes. Whatever I have written is truly fictitious & any resemblance with the Subject Matter is purely Coincidental.”

If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
A New Added element to the Periodic Table.
Element Name: GIRL
Symbol: G
Atomic Weight: don’t even dare to ask 😀
Physical Properties..
*boils at anything
*can freeze at anytime
*melts if handled wid love n care
*very bitter if mis handled
Chemical Properties.
*very reactive
*highly unstable
*posses strong affinity for gold n silver
*money reducing agent
*volatile when left alone
Bring a chit on exam day, scratch and show it to your nearest teacher and win free trip to Principal’s office and enjoy 3 years vacation at home.Hurry offer valid until exams only….
Everything has been figured out, except how to study for tests!!!
hayyyy *******! how is the prep for the bio test? dude Can you bring your polka-dot skirt/dress thing tomorrow (A) I wanna wear it on wednesday (A) (with the belt plz hehehe) And I’ll bring your flats tomorrow LOL
Aawwwwww, let’s drop out of uni 😀 😀 !!!!!
You know, we should ALLLLLLLLLLL just drop out all of a sudden
then UFT will go broke and it’ll close down
then it’ll get desperate for money
and it’ll start asking people to join uni again FOR FREE !
and then we’ll say “get lost you idiotsssss !!
We’ll only join if you promise to make the courses easy”
then they’ll agree and we all will get 4.0 and we’ll become filthy rich 😀
and then we all will live happily ever after 🙂
assignments.midterms.assignments.midterms.assignments.midterms- Dimaag ka band bajgaya hain 😐

looks like a zombie ! the ugly kind lol. its been only 3 weeks of school. bags underneath my eyes, scarfs down, no makeup, big frumpy shirt, consuming lotsa junk (disgusting machall) food, always exhausted, sometimes frustrated = me. Aah! WHAT AM I GOIN’ TO DO?

Status:
Girl: Mom, I need fancy perfumes.
Mom: Go get a husband!

Comments:
A friend : I love your mom.

Hahaha. Thanks 😀 i thought breast cancer is better to talk about 😛 and if my mom sees that status, she’s gonna know i lied to her about studying all night 😛 whichh in my defence, i did plan to do, but i got sleepy 😛 WHERE? TIME? i got stats midterm from 7 to 8 pm 😦 hopefully after 😀 *fingers crossed*
i have a bio midterm on monday…and i dun wanna studyyy…and m bored -_-

And that’s my Fatima’s status:
and i just realized, ammi is our mutual friend 😛 hahaha…chalo koi nahi jee koi nahi XD
And I lived in an illusion for 19 years that my daughter loved me.

Girls- Christina, Shreya, Anchal, Anureet, Preethi, Rishika,Sana, Amna, Fatima- I am still proud of you and wish you good luck in your Midterm Exams.

Great you maintain your sanity and sense of humour despite tremendous pressure.
Love you all.
Keep going…
Ilmana Fasih
8 October 2010

Category:

General, Humour, Personal