Sometimes even I am surprised at my capacity to endure Fasih’s loss without throwing tantrums. But then, the one who patiently endured my whining has quietly himself slipped away from the scene.
Culturally we are a community that believes in demonstrating our pains and pleasures loudly. But if the pain is beyond one’s capacity to bear, one loses the energy to express it aloud.
Many people who have met me in person, have remarked on my composure in the midst of all the turmoil of loss and relocation. If only I could bare open the 4 chambers of my heart, in some physical form to show it’s not all hunky-dory within.
True, breakdowns have been few and getting even fewer, but it certainly is no measure of one’s intensity of pain. Probably it only represents extreme helplessness.
Let me admit, composure with self is a byproduct of extreme helplessness. Composure with near & dear ones is pure love.
Composure with the rest is because the pain is too personal to broadcast aloud.
This time visiting Fasih, I smiled and whispered to him, “It’s okay Babloo, all I wish is that you are in peace and utmost happiness in the hereafter. I will not whine by your grave.”
It’s funny, how just saying that I wont whine or annoy him anymore made me cry.
mayn ne hansne kii aziyyat jhel lii royaa nahiin
yeh saleeqa bhii koii aasaan jeeney kaa naa tha