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Archive for the ‘Women’ Category

Female foeticide: A curse of modern times


First published as cover story in The Rationale June 2012: http://therationale.org/June_1_ver/Female.html

The first time I personally heard of female foeticide( abortion of female foetus) being practiced in India, was during my clinical posting in the Radiology department as a Medical student in Delhi, in the late 80s. The patient with third pregnancy, and two previous girls, two girls, wanted to know the gender of the baby in the Ultrasound at 6 weeks.

The annoyed registrar had shooed her away, but then shared with us in the doctors room, that : “She will in any case go to a private clinic, get the gender detected and will definitely abort it of found a girl”.

We as students expressed our dismay, a male registrar retorted in humor: “Evil should be nipped in bud.”

Female foeticide, killing the female fetus in the womb, is a modern phenomenon, as compared to the age old existence of Female Infanticide, the killing of the female new born or infant. It began in Asian societies like India and China sometime in the late seventies, coinciding with the campaigns of family planning, easing of medical termination of pregnancy (also called legal abortions) and with availability of the ultrasound machine to monitor pregnancy. Although, there were other tools available for checking the sex of the fetus  through amniocentesis, but was an invasive procedure, and could lead to complications like abortion. Moreover, unlike the Ultrasound, Amniocentesis was not a tool available to the layman, or semi-trained medical professionals to abuse it to their advantage.

As a medical professional and as a female member this very society, one kept hearing of the news of women asking for gender detection, simply to select the baby of their choice

However, it was the 2001 census which shocked the world. It brought forth the hard figures that the practice of female foeticide was not just existent, but flourishing. The overall Indian ratio of 927 girls to 1000 boys in the 0-6 year’s age group, when in the world the ratio was 1045 vs 1000. The statistics were more skewed in the Northern Indian states of Punjab, Haryana, Uttar Pradesh etc than in the Southern states.

And it went on, quietly, unabated, under the cover of legal abortions, and with Ultrasound getting cheaper and more easily available to all levels of health workers. The trend caught up, rose in numbers and spread to other states.
The census reports for the 2011 nailed the speculation that the trend was catching pace, with the stats now being 914 vs 100 for girls vs boys. In some of the states it has gone to as low as in 800s e.g. Uttar Pradesh (899 girls for 1,000 boys), Haryana (830), Punjab (846) and national capital Delhi (866).
The conditional sex ratio for second-order births when the firstborn was a girl, fell from 906 per 1000 boys (99% CI 798—1013) in 1990 to 836 (733—939) in 2005; an annual decline of 0•52% (p for trend=0•002), reported medical journal Lancet in May 2011.

What also came forth in the 2001 census was that it was more of an urban phenomenon and more so practiced by the upper middle class of educated families.

The Urban and Rural ratios being 946 and 900 respectively, to 1000 boys.

“Declines were much greater in mothers with 10 or more years of education than in mothers with no education, and in wealthier households compared with poorer households.” reported a Study published in Lancet, in May 2011.

Better economic conditions and higher education, instead of improving their thinking, enabled their misogynistic mindset to dispense away the extra income, and abuse the modern technology to their advantage. Thus defeating our age old myths of education, and economic circumstances will increase the plight of women. Perhaps our technological knowhow and economic affluence has developed faster than our brains.

The irony is that it is the same communities affluent, well educated, and even God fearing religious strata of society, who celebrates ‘Kanjak’, the day when young girls are worshipped as Goddesses, has now started to kill their own Goddesses in the womb.

Innovations in bypassing the laws:
In the mid 80s some Indian states began passing legislation like the Pre-Natal Diagnostic Techniques (Regulation and Prevention of Misuse) Act, which banned sex determination tests. In the 90s the same act was legislated in the centre too. The Act carries a three-year imprisonment and Rs10, 000 fines for offenders, prohibiting the gender disclosure of the foetus during Ultra sound. However, tens of thousands of Private clinics with cheaper version of Ultrasound machines had mushroomed till then, all over the North Indian cities, performing the gender detection and the abortion of the female foetus as a ‘package’.

There have been reports that certain clinics in small cities display openly billboards with incentives: “Do you want to spend 500 or 50 lakhs” referring to the cost of abortion against the cost of raising a girl child and marrying her off with a dowry.
The gender disclosure law which was an offence, is creatively bypassed, by using code words like: For girl vs boy as:
Jai Mata Di vs Jai Sri Krishna
Pink city Jaipur vs Blue City Jodhpur
Jalebi vs Laddoo.

It is not just the men of the family, but the senior women like the mothers in law who coerce the women to resort to sex selection. Many expectant mothers have to undergo multiple abortions, jeopardising their health before the desired boy is conceived.
Needless to repeat it the mindset of boys being ‘assets ’, kul deepaks (the lamps of heritage) , are looked up as bread winners, carers for the old age, continuation of family name, as a necessity to perform the last rites of the parents.
On the other hand the impression of girls as liabilities, ‘paraya dhan’ (someone else’s wealth), ‘bojh’ (burden) because of the expense involved in marrying them off with a fat dowry, need to protect them physically and morally, and likely to bring disrepute to the family if their morality is lost.

UNPFA report “India Towards Population and Development Goals”(1997), estimates that 48 million women were ‘missing’ from India’s population since the turn of the century. The report further states “If the sex ratio of 1036 females per 1000 males observed in some states of Kerala in 1991 had prevailed in the whole country, the number of would be 455 million instead of the 407 million (in the 1991 census). Thus, there is a case of between 32 to 48 million missing females in the Indian society as of 1991 that needs to be explained.”

According to UNICEF, India tops the list as far as illegal abortions and female foeticides are concerned. Of the 15 million illegal abortions carried out in the world in 1997, India accounted for 4 million, 90% of which were intended to eliminate the girl child.

Another study reported in the Lancet journal indicates that 8-10 million females were aborted during the past 10 years,( from 2001 to 2011) mainly to couples whose firstborn was a girl and among the more well-off families. This number is much bigger than all the men and women killed in genocides put together.
Much to the dismay, a recent report published by Toronto Star, talked of preliminary reports of such skewed ratios, in favour of a boy, in the second and third order births among the Indians settled in Canada.

However, this phenomenon is not just restricted to India; another major country facing the menace of female foeticide is China.

The preference for boys, in China too is tied to their religious belief that male heirs are necessary to carry on the family name and take care of the family spirits. A Chinese family worries that if there is no son no one will look after them and keep them company in the afterlife. Confucius said, “There are three ways of being disloyal to your ancestors. Not carrying on the family name is the worse.”

Chinese parents openly celebrate when they have boys, and some even show disappointment when they have girls. Newborn girls are given names like Pandi (“expecting a boy”), Yanan (“second to a boy”) in hopes the next child will be a boy. Six million women bear the names Lai-di (“call for a brother”) and Ziao-di (“bring a brother”).
“Daughters are like water that splashes out of the family and cannot be gotten back after marriage.”, a Chinese saying resonates with the belief we as South Asians have of girls being a ‘guest’ in their parents homes.

The statistics suggest that China did not have a skewed male: female ratio till the one child norm was enforced. After the enforcement, the rate of abortion of female fetuses increased in China, thereby accelerating a demographic decline after 1979. As most Chinese families are given incentives to have only one child, they would want it to be a son. However later the Law was eased especially for those who had a first girl child, hence giving a legal government sanction to the preference of a boy.
In 2005 figures, 118 boys were born for every 100 girls, up from 110 boys per 100 girls in 2000 and 112 in 1990.

Recently in the past few years, Vietnam has experienced an unusual rapid change in the sex ratio at birth.. The ratio was about 106 male births per 100 female births, in 2000 and has it increased to 112 in 2008.

“Currently, China reports higher sex ratio at birth than Vietnam. However, what is striking in Vietnam is the unusually rapid rise of the SRB [sex ratio at birth] recorded over the last few years.” says a UNFPA representative.

There are no studies existent from Pakistan, but as mentioned in by an investigating journalist in the TV program Lekin by Sana Bucha, there are 3,000 single room clinics existent just in Karachi, with one or two employees, performing illegal abortions, 90% of them being for the female child. This is despite of abortions being illegal in Pakistan, unlike in India or China. This could be just the tip of the iceberg.

A 2005 study estimated that over 90 million females were “missing” from the expected population in Asian countries including China, India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Burma, South Korea and Taiwan alone, and suggested that sex-selective abortion plays a huge role in this deficit.

Research suggests that instead of economic conditions, like poverty or education, it is the cultural beliefs that play a much larger role in gender preference and sex-selective abortion. To prove this, in places like sub-Saharan Africa, Latin America, and the Caribbean such deviations in sex ratios do not exist in.

As scientific progress furthers and the technology becomes more affordable and available to the common man, the curse of Female feticide, is likely to follow the course it is following currently. There are already available on internet, home monitoring kits, to detect the sex of the new foetus from blood or even urine samples. With abortion techniques getting more medical than surgical, the situation may simply go out of hands of the health personnel even..

The affluent and the educated who perform this would realise its curse only as it will be going to bite them back when their sons will find it extremely daunting task to find brides, and will be forced to stay bachelors.
It is estimated that by 2020 there could be more than 35 million young ‘surplus’ males in China and 25 million in India.

This has actually begun to be seen in smaller scale in various states in India and China. It is already happening that single men are more involved in violence and crimes, resorting to drug addiction and alcoholism, after being frustrated to find a suitable spouse. Women once again are being punished with a rise in rapes, in prostitution demands and through other crimes against them. In some places there have been reports of women being forced to share husbands (polyandry).

In India, the legislation prohibiting gender-selective abortions has so far been evaded easily, and there have hardly been any prosecutions. One wonder what is it that will change the mindsets if education and affluence could not. Would any activism, any mass media campaigns, any icons be able to change this?

My heart shudders to imagine, where and when shall this stop, if at all.
Are we just going to learn it the real hard way?

Dr. Ilmana Fasih
19 May 2012

Malala


Andhon ko unka chehra dikha diya hai Malala ney,
Jehad dar-asl kya hai, sikha diya hai Malala ney.

Jahalat sey hai jang, jata diya hai Malala ney,
Taleem  hai farz-e-momin, bata diya hai Malala ney

Soye huwe seenon ko jaga diya hai Malala ney,
 Khoye huwe iman se, mila diya hai Malala ney.

Payam-e-Amn duniya ko, suna diya hai Malala ney,
Her shakhs  ko Malala, bana diya hai Malala ney.

 

The blind(ignorant) have been shown their real face by Malala,
What is true struggle, has been taught to us by Malala.

The real fight is against ignorance, has been asserted by Malala.
Education is an obligatory duty of the believers, is reminded, by Malala.

Apathetic hearts have been shaken awake  by Malala.
The lost message of faith  has been rediscovered by Malala.

The message of Peace to the world  has been conveyed by Malala,
Each one of us feels Malala, has been made possible by Malala.

Humbled these verses have been included in the anthology: Malala: The poems on Malala Yusufzai, released on the first anniversary of her tragic targeting on October 9, 2013.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18405178-malala

An act impure


Written in the context of Rimsha Masih, the 11 year old accused for blasphemy, and sent to jail for that:

In the Land of the Pure,
A minor has dared an act impure.
Her feeble mind, designed a devil,
Her tiny hands, enacted an act so evil.
Divine here are the laws that reign,
Virtuous is the blazing anger insane.
Swords of revenge are laid bare,
Dream to live, she better not dare.

Forgotten, is the kindness to minors,
That Prophet(pbuh) had preached.
Ignored, is the lesson of forgiveness.
The Holy Book has revealed.
Dismissed, is the spirit of mercy,
The Supreme Power upholds.
For in the Land of the Pure,
A minor has dared an act impure.

News reads  : http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-19311098

Mosaic Festival 2012: Day 3: Saving Face.


Happening adjacent to Square one, is also Mosaic Film Festival, with an impressive line up of select and Award winning films being screened, from all over the globe.

I had marked in my calendar, long before the festival began, to sneak out of my volunteer arena and watch one of the two Premiered movies in the current festival, Saving Face..

The Mosaic audience is fortunate to be the only Canadian audience to have been treated to a full 54 minute director’s version of Saving Face, instead of the usually running 25 minute short film.

My interest was not just its Academy Award (Oscar Award) crown, but also the issue it highlights, of acid burns in Pakistan, or to be fair in the rest of the subcontinent too.

The ease of availability of the strongest of acids, at no price, and the super speed with which it disfigures the life of the victim, both literally and metaphorically, makes it a handy tool in the hands of its ego-bruised perpetrators. As bluntly put by Dr Jawad,

Guns need a licence, but acid throwing needs none.”

The film revolves around the real stories of two unfortunate, yet courageous women, Zakia and Rukhsana, for whom the roles they performed were scripted ruthlessly by none other than their own husbands. Almost near psychopaths that these men  were, they did not even appear to have any remorse on their actions, in retrospect. Perhaps, had they been in possession of even a streak of humanity, they would not have resorted to this premeditated act.

On the other hand were the two courageous women, who despite of all their miseries, decided not just to live with their heads held high, but to carry on with their missions.

Zakia, after being severely disfigured, came out to get justice, and to fight for legislation against the perpetrators of acid burns. The severity of her burns, had made the reconstruction of her face impossible, as Dr Jawad stated the limitations of plastic surgery,

“After all we are not Gods”.

However where there is a will, there is a way.

Not only was the legislation passed on the punishment for acid throw, and she even saw her husband get two life imprisonments. The reward in return to her was a new lease of life through a  prosthesis, which gave her a new face, at least for the outside world.

On the other hand, like majority of helpless women and mothers, Rukhsana, after all the trauma, had chosen to patch up and return to her husband. However, her generous forgiveness was returned back with a brick wall being built between her and her children. Despite the series of misfortunes that destiny had offered her, she chose to continue on with her new pregnancy, and postpone her surgery until delivery. A hope to start a new life with a new baby, rekindled a new desire in her love to live.

I could not hold back tears, when Zakia walked out on the street, for the first time after years, with face revealed and saying, “There is hope in this life again.” Or when Rukhsana holding her new baby boy remarked: “I want him grow up to be a doctor like you, and not like his father.”

I salute them both, for being a true embodiment human resilience, in the face of worst of tortures, and still bouncing back to life with hope. It is this hope that has kept this world revolving for centuries.

Hats off to Dr Jawad,  Shairmeen Obeid Chinoy, Daniel Young and the entire team, for saving their own faces too, and for inspiring a passion in others,  to come forward and help, in millions worldwide.

The appeal for donations for the cause, by the Festival organisers, saw many signing off cheques and pledges for the cause, at the end of the film.

Perhaps we all need to save our own faces, and do our own bits for this cause and for women abuse at large, whether by screening this film, writing about it, or simply teaching one’s own sons to treat their women with dignity as they grow up.

A closer look into polygamy


P.S: This piece is written purely as a  personal observation on personal impact of Polygamy on the lives of women concerned, without judging the theological, or general social implications of Polygamy.

I was raised by a father, who for some personal reasons intensely hated the idea of even teasing one’s wife for another ‘shaadi’. He insisted this was a sadistic joke.

And with this in the background I landed as a newlywed in a place where ‘other’ wife  was not only talked about with much thrill, but polygamy was quite often practiced in real.

Several times in the beginning I was snubbed for my disapproval of it, by the pious, for it being allowed and mentioned in Islam  in so many words- one, two, three or four.

One of the relatively polite friends explained; “See in their society, this is the norm, so they don’t mind. I know of co-wives living in absolute harmony. Since we are not used to this, we find it strange and get critical.” This coming from a non judgemental, desi friend born and bred in west, I had no reason to doubt.

For the first few years, as a stay home Mom of two little kids, all I heard was the men’s side of the story. In a very matter of fact, non threatening manner, my husband would tell me the juicy comments that were hurled at him. “Young, handsome man, with only one wife, look at me I’m 65, and have three.”

Age was no bar, and talking of multiple wives or of planning to take more was the favourite ‘boy-talk’, more so for those on the wrong side of age.

On replying to some random patient’s off the cuff marriage proposal, that he was married, my husband was preached, “So what, I am not asking you to divorce her. Allah has allowed you to keep up to four.”

Even while visiting parents for a long holiday relatives would question, “So might your husband not marry someone in your absence? It’s so common there.”

Thank God, insecurity never came close to me. Not because it could not happen, or that it was allowed in Islam but because, if he had to, my fears would not stop him.

As I joined back work, I incidentally landed to work in  a community where polygamy was more common, than not, especially for the middle aged and elderly men. They usually had two or three and few even had four wives. The eldest wife would be almost their age, as they generally married very young, but the others would be years or many times several decades younger to them.

However, the outlook of polygamy being acceptable by the women in that society, totally turned out to be a mere myth. Almost all women, whether unlettered or educated, housewives or working, young or old, urban or rural, who had other co wives were nowhere near normal in accepting the ‘other woman, or in many cases other women.

Except for one curious case, where the first wife had been through hell after her husband got the second. When he married the third, she came to me (being my patient), rejoicing, “The second one is screaming and crying. Now will she know what hell I went through when she came in?”
The third wife was almost as old as the daughter of the first wife, but they ended up being great friends, all conniving against the middle one.

Rest all of them, I knew were tragic sagas or epitomes of jealousy. The anger and jealousy corroded not just their individual selves, but their families too.

Complains of the other doing a ‘sahar’ ( black magic) was the most frequent. Curious, and unbelievable accusations were hurled by them at each other.

Once, a young lady in her early thirties came hysterical complaining that her womb and vagina were filled with worms after the younger one did ‘sahar’ on her. I took the history and she was most consistent in describing  the symptoms, and explaining them in explicit details.
“Why would she do this?” I asked
“Because she does not want me to get pregnant.”
On examination, when nothing positive came out, she rejoiced claiming that it was because before coming here, she had visited the Sheikh, who made for her dua and gave her something to eat. Instead of thanking me for finding nothing, she kept praising the sheikh for his instant miracle.

Was she lying? No

Was she insane?  No.

This was simply the manifestation of morbid jealousy, which usually occurs among the co-wives or suspicious wives. Her jealousy had induced the delusions of such sort in her mind.

( By definition: Morbid jealousy aka Othello Syndrome or Delusional jealousy, is a psychiatric disorder in which a person holds a strong delusional belief that their spouse or sexual partner is being unfaithful without having any, very little, or insignificant proof to back up their claim.)

For more strong hearted, there was always a tug of war as to who would grab the attention and money from her husband more. Unfortunately for them the attention meant the number of nights he spent with her as compared to the other co-wives.

Spying on each other was a routine, and they frequently inquired:

“The other one had an appointment with you yesterday. Is she pregnant?”
or
“Why was she here? Is there anything wrong with her?”


It took some time before I learnt the flawless trick of how to evade such questions without offending them.

A friendly patient, recently divorced, in a conversation requested: “Look for me a Pakistani man.”
Before I could even think out an answer she continued, “How about your husband”.
Although this one was purely uttered in humour, for them such talk was not a taboo.

What I personally observed was that as a direct result of polygamy, marital discord, domestic abuse and divorces were frequent too.

A husband talking to another woman was generally taken with suspicion. Many of them were even paranoid.

However, they had a reason to, since deciding to take a second or a third wife was as easy as deciding to buy another car on top of the old one. All it required was certain amount of money to pay as dower to the father of the bride.

It even had its economic toll, when one man with average wage was to fend for a family larger than normal, and even when he had surplus money, instead of improving the plight of the home, he would prefer to   finance another wedding for himself.

Many smart women manipulated the situation by never letting their husband have enough money to even think of a second one.

Broadly speaking it kept the women constantly in a hyper vigil, anxious state. This certainly took its toll on the children too. They got entangled in the cross politics at home, and many of them, especially girls  grew up disliking their fathers, and hating step mothers. Jealousies corroded the families and individual values.

Once, on discussing about our family life, keeping our savings in a common pool, for a future project, one of the colleagues, who was herself a second wife remarked:

“I wish I was from a culture like yours, where I lived with my husband as a cooperative wife and not as a spend thrift, or as a guard, constantly on high alert. I wouldn’t care even if I was from a poor country like Pakistan.”

OsteoArthritis ~the wear and tear joint disease


Osteoarthritis (OA) is the commonest form of arthritis that occurs as a result of wear and tear of the joint.
As the protective cushion over the bones within the joints, called cartilage, gets worn out gradually, the symptoms get worse. The joints begin to crackle, get stiff, then pain and ultimately cause limited mobility.

Note: This is different from Rheumatoid Arthritis, which occurs in young age, and is less common, but more severe.

Which Joints?

It can occur in any joint, but the most commonly affected are those joints that are used the most- of hands, lower back, knees and hip.

What happens to the joints?

In knee joint:

In the spine:

What can a damaged joint do?
From stiffness, the joints progress to pain off and on, then more lasting pain, ultimately leading to limitation of joint movement, and restricted mobility. The damaged joint can cause blockage of blood supply to the joints, bleeding in the joint or permanent bone impairment.

Although there are pain killers, acupuncture, physiotherapy which can reduce pain, or even surgical procedures like joint replacements, which can improve joint function, but it is the wisest to slow the wear and tear ahead of time.

Risks that are associated with increased wear and tear osteoarthritis are:

Older age.
Gender: Women are more likely to develop osteoarthritis, though it isn’t clear why.
Bone deformities: Some people are born with malformed joints or defective cartilage, which can increase the risk of osteoarthritis.
Joint injuries:Injuries from sports or from an accident, hasten the wear and tear, and hence OA.
Obesity: It is common sense that heavier the weight, faster and worse is the wear and tear.
Sedentary lifestyle as the more the activity, the more nourished is the cartilage.
Occupational: Jobs that cause repetitive stress of a particular joint also increase the wear and tear-like the joints of hands in typists, computer users, knees n those who stand for long like the policemen, etc.
Other diseases.: Diabetes, underactive Thyroid, Gout or Paget’s disease of bone can increase the wear and tear OA.

How can we slow down the wear and tear of joints?

OA is not inevitable with old age one follows a healthy life style. However,  cannot avoid age related wear and tear, but one can certainly minimize the damage caused by misuse of our joints.

You can be a best friend of your joints if you:

1 – Maintain Your Ideal Body Weight : A force of 3-6 times a person’s body weight is exerted across the knee while walking e.g.being 10 pounds overweight increases the force on the knee by 30-60 lbs with each step taken while walking. The force across the hip is, at most, 3 times the body weight. Losing weight reduces stress on the joints substantially.

2 – Exercise Regularly and Participate in Regular Physical Activity For optimal joint health, it’s recommended that people perform 30 minutes of moderately strenuous exercise at least 5 days a week. It’s an established fact that regular exercise has health benefits

3 – Protect Your Joints: There are several joint protection principles, which if followed, will help to conserve energy and preserve joint function. The advice is quite simple, but you must be mindful of proper movements and recognize body signals (e.g., pain). Good posture and proper body mechanics is important.
Check the various Joint protection techniqueshttp://www.spectrumrehab.net/Articles/joint-protection-techniques.html

4 – Avoid Repetitive Stress on the Joints: Signs of repetitive stress include too many uninterrupted repetitions of an activity or motion, unnatural or awkward motions, overexertion, incorrect posture, and muscle fatigue. Unfortunately most of them are occupational and hard to avoid. Hence one has to create innovative ways to avoid them.
{Clue: Search on internet prevention of joint stress specific to your occupation}.

5 – Listen to Your Pain: This recommendation seems so obvious, yet people don’t always do it. Learning to view pain as a signal that you are overdoing it and that it’s time to rest requires conscious effort. Balancing rest and activity is optimal for healthy joints. It’s part of self-management to learn not to overuse your joints and to learn not to push past your limits. Consider that the pain is like a stop sign.

6 – Avoid Injury to Joints: Previous joint injury is recognized as a common cause of osteoarthritis. In joints burdened by improper alignment due to injury, articular cartilage wears away and osteoarthritis can begin to develop. Avoid injury if at all possible — and if you do injure a joint, seek treatment immediately.

Myths about OsteoArthritis:

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Reflections of a little mind !


For years as a little girl I did not know the exact literal meaning of the word ‘socialite’.

Having seen pictures in the centre pages of magazines, I knew they were pretty, mostly in full make up which looked so natural, nearly always dressed nicely and almost always wore the most enviable jewellery one could imagine.
Honestly, at times I did not even find them pretty, but everyone, in their hi-fi circles thought them ‘beautiful’ or stunning’. Not quite sure if they thought them beautiful or just called them beautiful on their face. But yes the magazines did quote them ‘good looking.’

I also wondered why they took so much pride in being called “Heyy sexy!”  Weren’t they annoyed or scared, when someone called them that?  Perhaps they did not have to travel in crowded buses, or pass through quiet alleys after dusk, where if they were ever hurled that same phrase, it would have taken life out of their limbs and made them run for their life. So how would they know that?

I also wondered what was it that made them be called ‘socialites’. Did they do social work?  But I never saw any mention of that in those glamour magazines they made regular appearances in.

Imagine, I did not even have the common sense to guess they did a lot of social events like throwing birthday parties, barbecues, celebrations, bashes and sometimes even parties without any reasons to earn that title. I wonder perhaps I envied how come they were able to hop from one party to another like butterflies. And how is it that their parties always got coverage in those glossy magazines, when it wasn’t even a fund raiser for a cause?

As a little girl I also wondered, “Didn’t they ever get bored of just enjoying, partying, wearing nice dresses all the time? Weren’t they ever bored of being happy go lucky and smiley all the time?”


“If it is all a hullabaloo because they are rich, then why and how did they get rich?” I always wondered as a little girl.

I was stupid enough not to understand they had rich parents, who let them do all this. But then how could I know this, because my parents weren’t anything close to rich. They didn’t even let me have enough pocket money for buying a puff pastry in the school cafeteria, I just had to suffice with a sasta samosa, that too once in a while.

I actually wondered how their Moms and Dads raised them, “Didn’t they have to study hard to grow up, to be ‘something’ in life?”
I could guess they didn’t have to get good grades in school; just an expensive school’s name where they’ve been was enough of a merit for them.

If there was twitter then, I am sure I would have wondered why they had so many followers while they barely followed back only a hundredth of them.

And the tweets they tweeted were just too ordinary to be given so much attention.

With tweets showing off like

“Went into my helicopter to Las Vegas”,

“Ate a red velvet cake with fresh cream”,

“Wearing a ******** (big brand) pink dress” with a Fickr image of it.

Well I would certainly have wondered how was that 10k dress any better than my pink lace frock I wore on my 6th birthday, which Ammi just tailored herself after buying the lace from a bumper sale.

I would even would have wondered why some serious people were so very concerned to clarify what their tweets meant, when on rare occasions their tweets weren’t that clear and straight forward:

Example
Socialtie: Went to a spa, had a massage and got adjusted.
A follower: Adjusted?
😀

Well, perhaps I wasn’t made of that material to fathom the depth of what a socialite is meant to be. And, understand,  I was just a little girl then.

But tell you a secret; I still cannot get the sense of the purpose of this word Socialite.

Celebrate the woman inside you !


Published in TheNewsBlog:  http://blogs.thenews.com.pk/blogs/2012/03/08/celebrate-the-woman-inside-you/

While discussing how one should celebrate International Women’s Day this year, a friend said:

“It is not just the abuse outside that we women need to fight, but we have to fight an inside war too.”

I did not quite understand what she really meant, but before I could ask she went on:

“You know what, this Women’s Day I am going to work without make up and jewellery. Just to be with myself.”  

Although I’m not someone who shuns make up and I consider every piece of good jewellery, a work of art, I without getting my friends point completely also agreed with her completely.

Men, women, young or old, who does not want to feel good. But to attach strings to ones external appearance with the feeling of goodness is when the trouble starts.

If the ‘feel good’ feeling is within one’s self esteem, the outer accessories will be for a mere change, not ‘improvement’.

I am often surprised why many agree to Marylyn Monroe’s quote “Every girl should be told that she looks beautiful. I was never told this in the childhood.”  I do not concur.

What every girl should be told is not that her face or pony tail or frock looks pretty but that her mind is beautiful or courage is awesome.

I have never heard someone tell a boy that his shirt or knickers look beautiful, instead they are told that they are strong or courageous. And thus comes the difference in perception of self as one grows up.

Apart from your upbringing, the fault also lies within how a woman is projected in the media as a commodity.  Fairness creams, slimming diets, cosmetic companies, and aesthetic clinics reap profits at the cost of a woman’s battered self esteem.

Is it not ironic that whether we get positive or negative comments on physical appearance, both induce the same anxiety to look better?

I learnt from a teacher who once said, if you compliment someone’s looks, is it not a silent statement to someone who you are not complementing that ‘you are not good looking.”  Hence if you can’t compliment everyone, it is better refrain from complementing at all.

I have a friend’s whose self esteem is so high that she often jokes:

“If anyone ridiculed me saying ‘ugly’ referring to my not so perfect looks I tell them, ‘I wish to hug you; because I know how hard life is for the visually impaired’.”

For many old school feminists wearing makeup and jewellery is anti-feminist and oppressive.  Yes the idea of not being able to leave the house without make up is anti-feminist, and to associate ‘make-up is beauty’ is anti-feminist. What also makes it oppressive is when one’s self worth is tied to one’s looks, hair, skin or size number.

Women who choose to wear or not wear makeup or jewellery are making a decision about how they wish to be perceived. If not conforming to the dictates and demands of society on appearance empowers women, then so be it. A feminist, who goes without make up, is no more or less feminist than a woman who does.

Feminism in my eyes is all about expression of one’s femininity in one’s own unique way. It certainly does not overlap with the standards laid down by someone else.

Adorning jewellery and makeup is an art form of self expression and not a tool to hide one’s flaws in order to look like the model that appears on the cover page of a magazine.

Self image has no bearing on one’s physical appearance. Obsessed with looking better, some women (who may even be extremely beautiful by world’s standards) and even some men get very insecure and suffer from poor self image. In extreme cases it may even be manifested as Body Dimorphic Disorder. The underlying depression and anxiety leads them to resort to dysfunctional eating disorders or unnecessary plastic surgery procedures.

So let people say or think whatever, know that you are beautiful. For beauty isn’t skin deep.

As for me, not just to support my friend, but to support the woman that lives inside me, my external self too will go without   jewellery and make up on International Women’s Day. It is not to show down my good old friends, jewellery or makeup, but to tell them that they may be dear to me but they are not indispensible.

Tip : Celebrate this International Women’s Day in a  way that makes  the inner woman  in you  feel empowered and beautiful.

You left us too soon, RIP Arfa Karim.


The most painful truth that I have ever had to face in my entire life: “Arfa Karim passed away”.

In a  composed manner, true to the dignity of being the father of Arifa, he said:

“She came to us for a very short time, but taught us a great deal.”

Battling with life for several weeks on a ventilator, and amidst millions of hands raised in prayer for her survival, Arifa Karim finally bid a good bye.

Initially it was a reaction of intense anger and pain as I had protested with God, calling it unfair.
I really don’t know what the wisdom of God behind this was. Is it that she was too good to be worthy of this messy world?  I am too moved to think rationally at this point of time.

Arfa Karim, becoming a youngest  Microsoft professional at 9, and did what I could not do till today, at 5 times her age.

She was an inspiration and a role model to the girls of Pakistan.

Not only was she the above mentioned, but also a wonderful, bubbly girl who had geat aspirations for herself as well as for her country.
I remember watching an interview of her years ago in which she said:

“Mera ye aim hai ke main jahan bhi jaoon, Parrh likh ker Pakistan aaon aur apne mulk ko serve karoun.”
(My aim is that wherever I go for studies, I shall return and serve my country Pakistan).

More so, she was an awesome poet,  an eloquent speaker, and was bestowed with a wonderful voice of a singer too.

At 9,  after she met Bill Gates she scribbled a poem on him:

Born in October 1955
Proggraming was his only aim of life

Started proggraming at the age of 13
In his work he was really very keen

Entered Harvard in 1973
Thought more than a child could think to be

In 1975 begun Microsoft
With children he’s very soft

At the end I would just like to say
I like Bill Gates in every way

Yes  another beautiful one, reflecting her compassion …

‘White Rose’

In the storm
Stands the white rose
tumultuous waves
of destruction abound her

Yet tall is the white rose
strong in the face
Of the sensed doom around her
And she does not bow down

Pure is the white rose
In the compost earth
growing eternal strength
in the nights that so hurt

I see not the white rose
She is so far away
But I long to protect her
But only the words can I say

So I send her my words
And my poets heart
To help her when
there is hope to see her through

Be Strong little flower
Your heart will guide true
And as long as you want
I will always talk to you

Ironically the last three stanzas resonate with how  all of us felt while she struggled with the ventilator…all we could send her were our words and wishes, standing far away…
Alas, we lost…
Why? I know not.
I can only offer her the ghazal and with the same pain, that Mirza Ghalib wrote when his son passed away:

Lazim tha ke dekho mera rasta koi din aur
Tanha gaye kyun ab raho tanha koi din aur

Mit jayega sar, ger tera patther na ghisega
Hoon der pe tere nasiya farsa koi din aur

Aaye ho kal aur aaj hi kete ho ke jaaoon
Mana ke hamesha nahin , acha koi din aur

Jaate hue kehte ho qayamat ko milenge
Kyaa khoob ! Qayamat ka hai goya koi din aur

Nadaan ho jo kehte ho kyun jeete hain Ghalib
Qismat main hai marne ki tamanna koi din aur.

RIP our darling, you left us miserably broken and tearful…

Arfa Karim ( 2 February 1995-14 January 2012).

Let’s make Health our Commonwealth



First published in AmanKiAsha in TheNews:  http://amankiasha.com/detail_news.asp?id=594

The Confederation of Indian Industry (CII) some time back recommended promoting economic cooperation between India and Pakistan by focusing on information technology (IT), entertainment and healthcare.

Yes, “Healthcare”, I shout.

After all the other two are thriving and will take care of themselves. I remember in the mid-nineties, when my father-in-law, a doctor himself, was diagnosed with a serious medical problem. Frantic tests at various local institutions recommended that he undergo a procedure that wasn’t very commonly performed in Pakistan. He was all set to go to the west which required large expenses.

It was then that my awareness about a particular institution in India, where I had grown up and attended medical college, came in handy. I persuaded him to get examined there. We went to New Delhi, and he returned to Pakistan treated at one tenth of the cost it would have required in the west. I became an instant ‘doted’ upon daughter-in-law in his eyes. All his initial reservations about his son marrying an Indian disappeared overnight.

The true potential of medical cooperation between the two countries was dramatically highlighted when Noor Fatima, a two-and-a-half year old baby girl, went to Bangalore by the Lahore-Delhi bus in 2003. In fact, the bus service was resumed in part to allow her to make the journey. She was literally given a red carpet at the hospital as well as by the media.

Just a few days ago there was news of a 10 month old baby being taken from as far away as Qila Abdullah near Chaman in Balochistan to Bangalore, India for a heart surgery, a free treatment thanks to the joint efforts of Rotary India Humanity Foundation (RIHF) and Rotary Pakistan with Aman ki Asha, the peace initiative of the Jang Group of Pakistan and the Times of India Group. It is heartening to know that thanks to this rightly named ‘Heart to Heart’ initiative, now over 60 Indian and Pakistani children from poor families have been able to undergo life-saving heart surgeries in India.

As this people-to-people interaction in health, as in other fields, goes on, it is clear that no animosity or cold temperatures at the top level can freeze the warm relations between the ordinary Pakistanis and Indians. Our common heritage, common interests and above all a concern for each other will never dampen this warmth.

However, there is a dire need to extend this at a wider and higher level. The recent statements from the Indian and Pakistani business communities could well be the trigger. The top levels of the corridors of power need to formulate policy along these lines to bring a real impact at community level.
With reports about a case of Polio being found recently at Wagah, Pakistan, it becomes essential for strong policy decisions to be made at the top level, trickling down to the masses, to combat the spread of such crippling diseases.

India and Pakistan are among the four countries of the world where Polio is endemic. Our proximity will not enable either to achieve the ambitious plan of making Polio extinct, without mutual cooperation.

Looking at both countries from the UN lens, India and Pakistan are both termed ‘out of track’ when it comes to achieving the 2015 target for the Millennium Development Goal (MDG) 4 – the reduction of infant mortality. With a 1.4 billion population in the region, this means millions of children and babies are at risk. Failing to achieve an optimal Infant Mortality Rate will mean that a gigantic number of children being deprived of the opportunity to survive. Does that not warrant a joint concerted effort for both countries to come ‘on track’?

Similarly, in the MDG 5, the reduction of the Maternal Mortality Rate, again, both the countries are unlikely to meet the target in 2015. India has done better, but in both countries, far too many women die during childbirth. We certainly have great room for cooperation in this field too, as overpopulation, women’s illiteracy, and violence against women are among the common problems that both countries face. Isn’t it common sense to share information and experiences and work together to eradicate these problems?

MDG 6 deals with the Infectious diseases, like Tuberculosis, Malaria and HIV. India has done a good job in stabilising HIV, bringing down the prevalence rate from 0.36% in 2006 to 0.31% in 2009 (UNAIDS Global report on HIV/AIDS, 2010). In Pakistan the HIV/AIDS prevalence is low among the general population (<0.05%), but according to UN reports, it is increasing rapidly in high risk groups. The UN categorises Pakistan as a high risk country for the spread of HIV/AIDS. (http://bit.ly/UNmdg-mm).

Doesn’t it make sense for Pakistanis dealing with HIV/AIDS control to learn from India’s experience? Isn’t prevention better than cure?

Malaria is still a problem that both countries have not been able to tackle. According to a recent World Health Organisation (WHO) report, a third of the world’s countries will manage to eliminate Malaria, but adds that “the future in the South Asia region isn’t bright.”

India battles with a heavy burden of Malaria. Pakistan too has almost half a million cases of Malaria each year. A common problem with a common purpose of defeating it could help the region also realise the dream of being Malaria free. After all, countries closer to home like the Maldives have managed to do that, and Sri Lanka is considered close to eliminating the menace.

The mid-2000s saw Dengue epidemics in the Indian cities of Delhi and others in northern India. Today, Lahore and others in Pakistan are battling with it. It was a proud moment for the region when expertise from Sri Lanka and medicines from India helped Pakistan to combat the illness.

We have no choice but to combat such problems through joint efforts. The border security guards can check humans for visa, but mosquitoes are above such restrictions.

But besides the recent Dengue cooperation, there has hardly been any cooperation in the field of health at the top policy-making level. The only other cooperation worth a mention is the Polio drops being given to under-fives at Wagah border, and the fumigation of the Samjhota Express against the H1N1 flu virus.

Such small examples of cooperation are nothing compared to the gigantic cooperation that takes place in the field of entertainment. It is much more critical to come together on the immensely more serious issue of health. The stalwarts in this field must emulate the entertainment sector towards substantial cooperation.

We have a common geography, ecology, genetics, cultural practices and health problems. I am sure we can find common solutions too, that will save both countries much valuable time and money. United in health we shall stand, divided we shall fall with illnesses.

Dr Ilmana Fasih is an Indian gynaecologist and health activist married to a Pakistani. Blog: Blind to Bounds https://thinkloud65.wordpress.com/

Other children who have also been given a second chance through AKA-Rotary’s Heart to Heart initiative

Wednesday, December 21, 2011