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Domestic Violence and helplessness

Here are three stories from my experience, which I personally saw growing with time.

They all had two things in common.One, that they were all classical examples of domestic abuse, and secondly, that I was helpless in being of any help to them.

Ahmed was a 55 years old Pakistani man living in the neighbourhood. We did not know his wife for months, till when he once asked my husband if I could see her, because she was pregnant and had some complaints. Zubeida, his wife came to visit me as a patient.

With a toddler in her lap, she seemed way younger than her husband. After several visits it was revealed that she was his second wife and almost 25 years younger to him and he had married her 3 years ago. Ahmed had lived in US in his youth and married a local there. They had 3 kids and were together for 12 years after which they got divorced. He moved to the Middle East and ran a restaurant there. Now decided to marry Zubeida, from his clan, who had been a widow with three young children. So parents married her off to Ahmed, a well off businessman, while her three children, 6, 4 and 1, ( when she married) were being taken care by her parents. By the second marriage Zubeida had a 2 year old boy and was now pregnant again.

On being asked, that I never saw her in the neighbourhood, she revealed that when her husband went to work, he put a lock outside the house. And that she was instructed to not talk to anyone in the neighbourhood and tell details of their life. She wasn’t allowed to have a domestic help either.

She confided that she missed her little kids who were in Pakistan. She barely talked to them once a month because her husband didn’t like when she cried while talking to them on phone. She hadn’t seen them since she came there, three years ago. Her husband insisted that now she should be content with the kids that she is having from him.

On being informed that this was ‘abusive’, she justified that her husband had suffered a lot at the hands of that American woman, who claimed half of his property at divorce, and took away the custody of the kids. And hence, his trust on women has been eroded.
“He always provided me with good clothes, and if I did not cook, he brought food from his restaurant.”

She said her parents were happy that despite having been widowed with three kids, she was lucky to have found a nice husband. So they do not like when she complains that she misses her older kids. She also did not want to be Thankless to God for the same.
After she delivered, I never heard from her until she was pregnant again for the third time.

Misbah (a local ), was a doctor herself. She had married a Mutawwah (a mullah) , as his second wife, making all the justifications and necessary quotations from the religion for her act. And also narrating the virtues of marrying a religious person. Despite all the warnings from all of us at work, she went ahead.

For six months, it was sheer honeymoon for her, and she was the most obedient a wife could be. If he asked her to quit her work in the middle to see him, she would throw a sick leave and go. If he demanded her to cook something in the middle of the night, she would comply happily, for she thought she had to win his heart, over the first wife.

It was heartbreaking to see a bold friend of ours lose all her personality all of a sudden. News that she was pregnant transcended her to the seventh sky.

Six months into her pregnancy, she was devastated to discover her husband married a third time. On protesting, her husband stopped visiting her. She again resorted back to the same vicious cycle of pleasing him to draw his attention in competition with the other two wives. And the demands to please him kept multiplying exponentially. The extent his demands were such that if she talked on telephone for longer than his liking, he would leave and go to one other wife.

The complaint that, “she wasn’t paying attention to me”.

And so dutiful was he, that he never shared a penny from his own pocket with our friend, and possibly with the other two wives too, who were all working women.

We cried ‘he’s abusive’, but she wasn’t ready to accept it.

Her simple argument, “He never hits me, and that it is my duty to please my husband”.
We were left helpless.

Saira was a Indian nurse, who had come to work in the gulf. From the first month of the marriage, she handed over every penny of her salary to her husband. They were to save money to buy a land back home. Even a small demand of a dress, would need her to beg him for hours before he complied. And when they did buy the piece of land it was in his name.

For Saira, it was “Okay, because he is the man of the house. “

However, 12 years after their marriage, her husband fell in love with her own best friend, and they got married secretly. When Saira came to know, she was pregnant with her second child. From then on, she refused to hand him the salary, and this is where her physical abuse began.

Putting a brave front, she refused to comply. So his next demand was that she quit the job. She almost left the job, until we all colleagues intervened and convinced her not to.

She did ultimately, but the cycle of physical violence kept on unabated. Our cries to the people of authority were of no avail, for it was justified to have more than one wife and she was unreasonable, in being angry about it. Hence, his resorting to physical violence was justified.

Saira was unwilling to take any step to walk out on him because despite all the miseries, she still “loved him”.

Saira’s family, too, was of the opinion, “Men are all like this, women have to bear it always. “

These are just a handful of stories, from the barrage of incidences of domestic violence I have come across during my work experience.

For most women, if they were not being hit, they were not being abused. Emotional, financial or any other form of violence except physical was no abuse.

Unfortunately, in most of the cases it was the ignorance or denial on the part of sufferer, or the cover given to it through religious or cultural practices, or lack of the necessary infrastructure to lodge a complaint, that one felt helpless and miserable seeing these women continue to suffer.

And to tell you the truth, with them, I suffered too.

PS: The names of the women have been changed.

Next Blog to follow soon: Myths and Facts about Domestic Violence

Category:

Health, My world, Personal, Social Issues, Women

Salute you, Dr Ralph Steinman…

Ralph M. Steinmann MD, a senior physician is the first Nobel Laureatte to get the Nobel Award in Medicine ‘posthumously’.

He was a physiciain who co- discovered ( with Zanvil A Cohn) Dendritic Cells, in 1973, which are a new class of immune cells, being important and unique accessories in the onset of several immune responses, including graft rejection, resistance to tumors, autoimmune disease and infections.

Dr. Steinman’s research focused on the mechanisms employed by dendritic cells to regulate lymphocyte function in tolerance and immunity, as well as the use of dendritic cells to understand the development of immune-based diseases and the design of new therapies and vaccines. They can be used to treat a range of diseases from infections, autoimmune diseases and cancers.

A undergrad from McGill University and medical graduate from Harvard Medical School, Dr Steinman was discovered to be suffering from Pancreatic Cancer 4 years ago. Using himself as his own subject, he used his own theory of dendritic cells to prolong his life from this deadly cancer.

However, the cancer overtook and he passed away on September 30, 2011.

On October 3, 2011 he was announced along with two others as the Nobel Prize in Medicine winner for his research on Dendritic Cells.

Since Nobel Committee does not give awards posthumously, they had to take a special meeting and announcement that his award stays valid posthumously.

“These findings ( of Dendritic Cells by Dr Steinman & co ) are the intellectual foundation of how to design a good vaccine,” said a senior Scientist .

Dr Steinman missed the reward for his decades long research, however, the world shall benefit from his discovery for all times to come.

I salute you doc. for your service to science and humanity.

Category:

Health, Science

Dengue Fever Awareness

Dengue Fever aka ‘Break bone fever’

Dengue fever is a flu kind of illness spread by bites of female Aedes mosquito. This mosquito bites the infected person and then bites someone else who is not affected thus transmitting the infection. These mosquitoes are active during the day time and at night when the lights are on. These mosquitoes live among human beings and breed in discarded tyres, flower pots, water stores etc.

The mosquito can be easily recognised by it’s black and white ‘zebra’ stripes.

The symptoms are as follows:

Treatment for Dengue and Dengue Hemorrhagic fever

• As far as the treatment is concerned there is no specific medication or vaccine,
• The affected person is treated with Paracetamol to bring down the fever. But one must avoid self prescription and consult the doctor, to prevent complications.
• The person is usually adviced to drink lots of fluids.
• The infected person should be isolated until recovery from the rest of the family to prevent further infections. The infected person as such cannot spread the infection but can be a source to spread it.

Although there is no vaccine to prevent this epidemic certain preventive measures as specified below can be taken to control the epidemic.

Preventive Measures to control Dengue Fever

• Use mosquito repellents.
• Discard all unwanted items getting gathered around the living area to avoid stagnant water that assists in breeding of mosquitoes. Eliminate the places where the mosquito lays her eggs, like artificial containers that hold water in and around the home.
• Keep the water stores clean and closed.
• keep yourself well covered when outside-with full sleeves and long trousers.
• Take prompt medical advice once fever starts.

P.S. There are emails speculating the goodness of papaya leaf juice for raising platelet count in Dengue Fever. It suggest to take 2 tablespoon papaya leaf juice per serving once a day, prepared from using 4 pieces papaya leaf (without stem or sap) after cleaning, pound and squeeze with filter cloth. There is no scientific proof of this recommendation, but papaya leaf is known to contain very high amounts of vitamins A, C, E, K, B Complex.

However, one must not stop following the medical advice for Dengue Fever prevention or treatment.

IMPORTANT WARNING:

The health researchers claim that if you have suffered from dengue in the past be more careful as theSECOND ATTACK OF DENGUE CAN BE MORE DANGEROUS than the first attack.
The body develops antibodies the moment a person is sick with dengue. However, when that person gets well and is afflicted with dengue again, the antibodies that were developed the first time the person got dengue will mix with the new virus strain, causing abnormalities in the blood vessels and in the body’s immune system, causing Haemorrhagic Dengue.
Haemorrhagic dengue might lead to bleeding from the eyes, nose and through urine or stool.

Watch out for repeat infections!

And the only way is to prevent mosquito bite from the methods mentioned above or told by your doctor.

Take a couple of minutes to see this important information on Dengue causing mosquito:

Sources: WHO, CDC.

Category:

Health, Indo-Pak, Pakistan, Social Issues

Heart Health presentation at Aurat Health Services for South Asian Community

A Heart Health presentation done on behalf of Aurat Health Services ffor the South Asian Community at CPR and AED Event, Mississauga, Ontario.

Category:

Health, Indo-Pak, Personal, Science, Women

Coffee

On the eighth day God created coffee.

Legend of coffee discovery :

Kaldi, a goatherd, lived in Abyssinia around AD 850. One day he observed his goats behaving in abnormally exuberant manner, skipping, rearing on their hindlegs and bleating loudly. He noticed they were eating the bright red berries that grew on the green bushes nearby.

Kaldi tried a few himself, and soon felt a novel sense of elation. He filled his pockets with the berries and ran home to announce his discovery to his wife.

“They are heaven-sent,” she declared. “You must take them to the Monks in the monastery.”

Kaldi presented the chief Monk with a handful of berries and related his discovery of their miraculous effect.
“Devil’s work!” exclaimed the monk, and hurled the berries in the fire.

Within minutes the monastery filled with the heavenly aroma of roasting beans, and the other monks gathered to investigate. The beans were raked from the fire and crushed to extinguish the embers. The Monk ordered the grains to be placed in the ewer and covered with hot water to preserve their goodness. That night the monks sat up drinking the rich and fragrant brew, and from that day vowed they would drink it daily to keep them awake during their long, nocturnal devotions.

Another account suggests that coffee was brought to Arabia from Ethiopia, by Sudanese slaves who chewed the berries en route to help them survive the journey.

“As soon as coffee is in your stomach, there is a general commotion. Ideas begin to move…similes arise, the paper is covered. Coffee is your ally and writing ceases to be a struggle.”
~Honore de Balzac (1799-1859)

Common adverse effects: Insomnia, headaches, irritability and nervousness.

Daily recommendations( by Health Canada):

The daily dose of 2.5 mg/kg body weight would not cause adverse health effects in the majority of adolescent caffeine consumers.
For women of childbearing age, the recommendation is a maximum daily caffeine intake of no more than 300 mg, or a little over two 8-oz (237 ml) cups of coffee.
For the rest of the general population of healthy adults, a daily intake of no more than 400 mg.

Source: http://www.selamta.net/Ethiopian%20Coffee.htm
http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/hl-vs/iyh-vsv/food-aliment/caffeine-eng.php

Category:

Food, General, Health, Social Issues

Sometimes a Hug is All that We Need

It was several years or perhaps over a decade ago when I had cut out this cartoon from the daily newspaper and stuck on my fridge with a magnet.

Having lived in an Arab land where hugging is a usual form of greeting, I had learned how good it felt after having hugged a dear one.

Like all Moms, I too frequently made it a point to bear hugg my growing kids. Whenever the little ones felt any trouble or insecurity they would run to be hugged tightly. If at times I was busy and did it lightly, they would demand-

” Ammi do it nicely.”

Then came an Indian movie with the much popular caption

” Jadoo ki jhappi”

–-~the magic hug, which claimed to do wonders. Inspired by it, we actually put this Jaddo ki jhappi to practice, at our home.

Whether it was the daughter getting nervous for her exam or the son feeling hurt after a fall or a sib finding hard to cope with a financial loss or Mom missing my deceased Dad or a friend nervous for her husband’s illhealth or even the kids’ nanny, sobbing after she recieved some bad news from the kin back home–a tight bear hug would comfort not just them, but me too.

A wholesome hug cannot really change the circumstances, but it gives strength to bear the loss with a feeling that they are not alone in their suffering. Medically speaking, the act releases endorphins, the feel good hormones, into the body.

Later, I saw on net a report on the raised rates of suicide among South Korean students owing to stress of competition in educational institutions. And then came the news that a simple campaign of giving free hugs to the passersby while standing at a street crossing decreased the suicide rate significantly in South Korea youngsters.

Further digging into the details led me to the wonderful international campaign called Free Hugs Campaign, as a random act of kindness. My thrill for having practiced it myself without being aware of its existence, had no bounds.

Giving a tight bear hug says aloud that we care.

Culturally many of us may not be in a position to accept being hugged at a street crossing, but we can certainly do this to our kids, our parents, our sibs and those friends who are informal enough to be hugged.

We need not be told to hug one’s kids. We do that amply and with full enthusiasm. Perhaps hugging our ageing parents needs to be reminded. However, it is one of the most fulfilling expereinces one can experience.

I remember, for years, having hugged my mom only occasionally and just ritually if at all. But with Dad being a very expressive person and I being his favourite child, he never either received or parted without a wholesome hug. After he was no more, what I missed the most was his hugs.

Then one day, I decided to repeat the same, with my Mom too. The first time I gave a real tight bear hug to my Mom, I could see her eyes twinkled with tears and she actually blushed. But the vigor she gained after the hug was strikingly noticable.

Each time she is around I make sure to hug her for a reason or for no reason. It embarrasses her at times and tells me to “grow up”. But I know she loves it. And the tight embrace, not just helps her feel good, but also lets me feel how thin and frail she is getting with the passing time. We may not realise that visually, or our parents may not be complaining of getting older and weaker, but the tactile sensation certainly does all the talking.

The survival of preterm babies are known to be having a better survival if the mother or the father or even a grandmother hugs the baby, on their chest as much as possible during the first month of life–called as Kangaroo care.

Similiarly I saw in Delhi, Sanjivini, a well-known center that offers help to troubled minds, have a day clinic for schizophrenics where “caring” (involving touch and holding) is routinely used as a therapy. “But it is done in a parent-child matrix,” clarified the in-charge of Sanjivini, adding that only women volunteers handle female patients and men handle male patients.” In Sanjivni they have statistically seen that, the practice has reduced the relapse in schizophrenics.

Scientific studies have shown that hugs have been seen to reduce heart rates, improve overall moods, lower blood pressure, increase nerve activity, and a host of other beneficial effects.

We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth, claims Virginia Satir, a family therapist

“Hugging is a way of connecting with others, of showing your genuine affection and appreciation, of valuing others, and of giving. All of these are positive, healthy, life-enhancing purposes”, remarks Kevin Eikenberry, author of Vantagepoints on Learning and Life.

I suggest give it a try to your loved ones. Sometimes, a hug is all what they need.

IlmanaFasih

FREE HUGS is a real life story of Juan Mann, a man whose mission was to reach out and hug strangers to brighten up their lives. In this age of social disconnectivity and lack of human contact, the effects of the Free Hugs Campaign became phenomenal and spread world wide.

Category:

Beautiful Pics, Health, Peace, Personal, Quotes, Science, Social Issues

Pornography vs. Picasso

If this Junk Food was Pornography

Then this Healthy Food is Picasso.

Some crackers for the 12 year old within us:

#Most vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children. A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussels sprouts never do.

#Apple and pear, aren’t just fruits. They are body types too. Hey, I’ve got some advice. If you look like an apple or a pear, eat an apple or a pear! Dr Phil

#My Hubby says: I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
I say: Heyy, am such a great cook that even the smoke alarm cheers for it !

Some real food for thought:

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.
~ Mark Twain

Blog Inspiration Quote:
We think fast food is equivalent to pornography, nutritionally speaking.
~Steve Elbert

Category:

Art, Beautiful Pics, Food, Health

Tagged with:

Food

Seeing the Unseen through the Third Eye–Human Psychology

Time and again I have thought of how difficult it must be for the conscientious minds to deal with decisions that have a long term impact on the lives of the people. I wonder how can educated responsible people take irresponsible decisions and call them ‘principled’ or based on some well defined ‘laws’ .

There may be professions like school teachers, doctors, judges and religious priests who deal with human life directly and whose decisions are likely to have long term impact to individual or a group . Call their judgements –report cards, diagnosis, verdicts or fatwas respectively—whatever you call them—can make or break the individual or group upon whom it is given.

My personal experience as a mom, have seen first hand, how much impact a sensitive school teacher has on his/her pupils–be the teacher be good in his/her subject or not. A teacher who reassures students in their difficulties or supports them when not doing well, does a long favor on their growth and development, than an accomplished teacher who scolds or reprimands a pupil for not living upto the expectations.

Similarly doctors deal with patients– with all kinds of physical and mental problems—need to be sensitive to thier judgments or the diagnosis of the patients. The evidence in the medical science has proven that those doctors who deal with patients in a humane manner, seeing beyond what is visible and keeping the patient’s psychology in view while giving a diagnosis, not only succeed in developing a better patient–doctor relationship, make patient more compliant and have better chances of successfully treating a patient.

What is common in both such teachers and doctors is their sound training or knowledge of Human Psychology. Thankfully psychology has been incorporated in the curriculum of both the teachers and the doctors. I wonder if judges too undergo a training on the basic know how of human psychology . But certainly religious preists are not—leaving aside some who are naturally inclined towards it.

For religious priests its could be understood very well, that they are an unregulated profession and especially our Mullahs are trained purely to understand only the literal meaning of the laws in the religion. For instance talking of issues like rape, abortions, divorce—the laws are so men oriented—with no consideration to the psychological impact these cold-blooded laws have on womenfolk. Similiarly in the case of blasphemy law— no consideration is given to the fact that it is a ready recipe for anyone to abuse the law for personal vendetta by inciting mindless emotions into people. View it from the eyes of a psychologist—it is an easy terrorizing tool. I think if the maulvis, or priests of any faith, would understand psychology and that the power of love and compassion was far more overpowering than ‘fear psychosis’ in creating better followers of God—they would all end up being Dalai Lamas of their own religions.

Similarly after reading through the text of the judgment of Mukhtara Mai verdict, it becomes really compulsive to think how mandatory the knowledge of Psychology is for the judges too. In fact in some parts it even seems that these learned judges even lack common sense .

“It is unbelievable that the boy for ‘shame’ would not tell the true story, lose the chance of liberty and the sympathies when Maulvi Razzak along with the police had reached the spot for rescuing him, …”

How naive of the judges not to know this simple psychology of the majority of children fallen victim to such incidents, do not disclose it to anyone, be it their parents or close of kin.

And to base as evidence the fact that the lady had no injury marks on her body as a doubt on whether the crime —again compels me to ask the judges to read the psychology of the woman who has been overpowered by four men in dark and being raped—is left with no physical and mental stamina to struggle.

And then failing to consider that many rape victims and their families are not in a state of mind to report the case right minutes after the incident. It takes them a lot of rethinking, and time to gather courage to come forward with the complaint.

Moreover research has proven the presence of effects of stereotypical beliefs and hindsight biases on perceptions of court cases.
The fact that the judge wrote that the victim complained because she could not marry the rapist is one glaring example of the preconceived notion of a judge with Feudal mindset.

If only along with the big fat books on Law, they read in their curriculum, a thin manual on Human Psychology their thinking process would differ.

Judges too are human beings and their mindsets must definitely be a bearing on their judgments too. A dash of training in Human Psychology would come a long way in their profession.

With recent advances in human psychology and many other scientific tools to know the truth from lies, judges still base their knowledge on their archaic principles of ‘witnesses’ and raw ‘evidence’.

Shouldn’t they be looking through the third eye into the unseen evidence of the cases they judge??

Category:

Health, India, International, Pakistan, Politics, Social Issues, Uncategorized, Women

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Blind to Bounds

Open up your mind and your potential reaches infinity…

Archive for the ‘Health’ Category

Salute you, Dr Ralph Steinman…

Heart Health presentation at Aurat Health Services for South Asian Community

Pornography vs. Picasso

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